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Other than Brewing => The Pub => Topic started by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 06:27:08 PM

Title: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 06:27:08 PM
I'm poor. I mean really poor. I'm so poor the other day I was kickin' a can down the road and someone asked me what I was doing and I said "movin'.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 06:38:37 PM
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker.  I dropped my pants.  She dropped her price.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: firedog23 on March 08, 2012, 06:56:16 PM
Rectum? Damn near killed him!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 06:58:06 PM
so far we have 3 pathetic jokes. Hope some jokester comes along soon.  ;)
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 06:59:15 PM
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: firedog23 on March 08, 2012, 07:03:47 PM
so far we have 3 pathetic jokes. Hope some jokester comes along soon.  ;)

Make it four bad jokes and dammit, you started this thread!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 08, 2012, 07:14:17 PM
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: Why?
Q: So they can hide in cherry trees
A: I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree
Q: see! it works!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 08, 2012, 07:18:25 PM
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: With a green elephant gun of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: You hold it's trunk shut until it turns blue and use a blue elephant gun.

---- And you all thought your jokes were bad ----

Paul
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 07:19:50 PM
Q: why do farts smell?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too! :o
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: dak0415 on March 08, 2012, 08:05:37 PM
This is from Punatic's entry in the Meaningless Thread-Thread


I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

ROFL
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: tygo on March 08, 2012, 08:25:59 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weithman5 on March 08, 2012, 09:02:22 PM
i have always liked having a wife around.  just uncomfortable when her husband finds out
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 08, 2012, 09:03:04 PM
So, a horse walks into the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the horse and asks, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 08, 2012, 09:04:27 PM
What's the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 09:39:27 PM
"This is from Punatic's entry in the Meaningless Thread-Thread


I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

ROFL"



My Obama joke was removed. Oh well, some can, some can't.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 09:45:18 PM
I didn't remove it, but OTOH I can understand why it was removed. I don't think it would be a good idea to turn the "joke thread" into an Obama bashing thread. If it makes you feel better I'll remove the other one.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 09:46:46 PM
I didn't remove it, but OTOH I can understand why it was removed. I don't think it would be a good idea to turn the "joke thread" into an Obama bashing thread. If it makes you feel better I'll remove the other one.

Please don't remove it because of me.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 09:49:29 PM
So, sorry folks but please no more political jokes. Many could easily be made about both sides of the isle and I would love to read every one but it's probably not a good place to air political affiliation or opinions. Sorry for the bummer.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 09:51:27 PM
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say's "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 08, 2012, 09:54:59 PM
Sven and Ole lived in Southern Minnesota and one day the states decided  to move the border of Iowa 2 miles north.  Sven looked at Ole and said "Thank God we won't have to live through anymore hard Minnesota winters".

*** Edited to fix my pour engrish ***
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: denny on March 08, 2012, 09:56:51 PM
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say's "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

I LIKE that!

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: thebigbaker on March 08, 2012, 10:04:00 PM
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weithman5 on March 08, 2012, 10:10:05 PM
how do you catch a unique rabbit?

u nique up on them
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 08, 2012, 10:33:00 PM
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walks up. He opens the coat to reveal that he is completely nude underneath.

the first old lady has a stroke
the second old lady has a stroke
the third old lady would have had a stroke but her arms were to short to reach.

Two nuns are driving along a country road late at night when suddenly a vampire leaps out in front of them. They screech to a halt and one nun says to the other, "lean out the window and show him your cross".

The second nun rolls down the window leans out and yells "GET OUT OF THE DAMN ROAD!!!!!!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 08, 2012, 10:42:41 PM
Jimmy goes to confession and tells Father "Father, I've sinned four times".  Father asks "was with Marilyn, Susie, Janie, Cristine or Jacklyn"?  Jimmy doesn't answer so Father gives him 4 Our Fathers as his penance.  Jimmy leaves the confessional feeling pretty good because Father only gave him 4 Our Fathers but 5 good leads.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: repo on March 08, 2012, 10:43:20 PM
Not really a joke but funny.
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin
explained the"Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:                     
 
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.  A herd of
 buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
 And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members!  In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 08, 2012, 10:44:25 PM
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walks up. He opens the coat to reveal that he is completely nude underneath.

the first old lady has a stroke
the second old lady has a stroke
the third old lady would have had a stroke but her arms were to short to reach.

Two nuns are driving along a country road late at night when suddenly a vampire leaps out in front of them. They screech to a halt and one nun says to the other, "lean out the window and show him your cross".

The second nun rolls down the window leans out and yells "GET OUT OF THE DAMN ROAD!!!!!!"

I literally "LOL"ed on the first one.  ;D
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: pinnah on March 08, 2012, 10:47:18 PM
u nique up on them

 ;D.  This is the first time I laughed.  For some reason, that nasal voice is funny. :o



Sorry I have nothing to contribute;
sometimes I think it is weird that I don't know any jokes, and really can't remember any. :-[

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weithman5 on March 08, 2012, 10:54:28 PM
u nique up on them

 ;D.  This is the first time I laughed.  For some reason, that nasal voice is funny. :o



Sorry I have nothing to contribute;
sometimes I think it is weird that I don't know any jokes, and really can't remember any. :-[

i have been racking my brain all day to remember jokes.  nothing makes me feel as bad when there is a joke i just heard or is right there and i can't quite get the details complete to tell it.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 08, 2012, 10:58:35 PM
My family enjoys corny humor, word-play. bathroom humor and the like.  My wife and I both grew up in households were there were tons of puns...  It's a genetic kine ting.

This afternoon my 11 year old son and I were enjoying an after-school frozen float at the local drive-in; you know a scoop of ice cream in Pepsi Icee.  My son usually gets about 2/3 of the way through his and has to excuse himself to go to the restroom.

Today after the bathroom break he returns to the booth looking thoughtful, "You know Dad, I think those frozen floats are made with rocket fuel."

"Really, how so?"

"Every time I eat one I have an I.C.B.M."  (icey BM)

That's my boy!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 11:12:43 PM
My family enjoys corny humor, word-play. bathroom humor and the like.  My wife and I both grew up in households were there were tons of puns...  It's a genetic kine ting.

This afternoon my 11 year old son and I were enjoying an after-school frozen float at the local drive-in; you know a scoop of ice cream in Pepsi Icee.  My son usually gets about 2/3 of the way through his and has to excuse himself to go to the restroom.

Today after the bathroom break he returns to the booth looking thoughtful, "You know Dad, I think those frozen floats are made with rocket fuel."

"Really, how so?"

"Every time I eat one I have an I.C.B.M."  (icey BM)

That's my boy!

When you can't find anyone intelligent to quote, quote yourself. :D
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 08, 2012, 11:20:41 PM
Thanks Ray.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 08, 2012, 11:38:54 PM
Thanks Ray.

You're welcome, Bob.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: hopfenundmalz on March 09, 2012, 01:04:23 AM
This is one of my brothers favorites. You can tell he has had too much to drink when he tells this.

Guy opens the door to a barber shop and says "Bob Cox here?"

The barber says "No, we just cut hair."

When beer comes out my brother's nose after that, you know he has had way too much to drink.

Sorry for the lame joke.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: dak0415 on March 09, 2012, 01:52:40 AM
As seen on a St. Patrick's Day T-Shirt in Savanna, GA.

"An Irishman walks out of a bar."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: dak0415 on March 09, 2012, 01:53:23 AM
"No, really!  It could happen!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 09, 2012, 03:25:08 AM
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 09, 2012, 05:32:57 AM
I finally got around to going fishing last weekend but after a while I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 09, 2012, 05:35:56 AM
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,'  she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking..

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can
hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE  NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 09, 2012, 05:45:18 AM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  Then I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. 

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
 
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weazletoe on March 09, 2012, 07:18:38 AM
That was about the funniest joke I ever heard, Loopy. This thread should be closed now, and I never want to a another joke again.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 09, 2012, 08:19:22 AM
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: tschmidlin on March 09, 2012, 09:26:13 AM
how do you catch a unique rabbit?

u nique up on them
How do you catch a tame one?

The tame way
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: phillamb168 on March 09, 2012, 10:51:47 AM
A boy came running into his house, breathless, holding a grocery bag. His mother asks him what he has in it, and he says "I got some Nacho cheese!"

His mother says, "how do you know what kind of cheese it is?"

He says, "I stole some and ran out of the store, and as I was running the guy in the store tried to run after me, he kept shouting, Hey! That's nacho cheese!"

(Say it out loud)
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: corkybstewart on March 09, 2012, 05:38:36 PM
Boudreaux was out fishing in the bayou when a terrible storm came up suddenly.  He could see it coming but the fish were abiting and he didn't want to give up so soon. 
That night Boudreaux's wife Mary Lou waited and waited but he never showed up so she called his best friend Billy Bob and they went searching.  tTe next afternoon Boudreaux's boat washed up, but there was no Boudreaux in it.  Mary Lou cried and cried, she knew he was dead and she started planning the funeral.  A couple of days later Billy Bob calls Mary Lou:  I got some bad news and some good news.  The bad news is we found Boudreaux's body tangled in some cypress roots south of here.  The good news is there''s enough crabs on him to make a mighty fine funeral gumbo.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: corkybstewart on March 09, 2012, 05:47:58 PM
Miguel's wife Rosa came and picked him up from the hospital in Santa Fe and took him home to die, they both knew it would only be a day or 2.  As the family gathered to say their goodbyes, the women started making tamales for after the funeral.  Everybody knew Miguel's suffering was almost over so there was a sense of sad relief.  Upstairs Miguel is lying in bed, barely aware of his surroundings when he gets a whiff of homemade tamales steaming in the big iron kettle.  It brings back such wonderful memories of his childhood, watching his mom and grandmother making the traditional Christmas tamales, then later helping his young bride make tamales for everybody.  His senses are overwhelmed by that delicious aroma, so he summons every last ounce of his strength and gets out of bed.  He knows if he can just have one last tamale he'll die happy and satisfied.  He slowly makes his way down the stairs, across the living room and into the kitchen where he sees a huge pile of tamales cooling on a tray.  He staggers to the counter, starts to unwrap a steaming wonderful smelling tamale and suddenly his wife slaps his hand and takes the tamale away from him:  Hey Pendejo, you can't eat that, it's for the funeral.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Hokerer on March 09, 2012, 06:15:26 PM
Two nuns were walking down the street when two bad guys jumped out and dragged them into an abandoned building.  Each bad guy started going to town on a nun.  While the assault is going on, the first nun starts praying "Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does".  The second nun, hearing that, says "Speak for yourself Sister, for mine sure does".
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 09, 2012, 07:05:07 PM
Q: how do you make a hanky dance?
A: put a little boogie in it!!!!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 09, 2012, 07:06:31 PM
Q: How do you kill a wabbit
A: Hit it with a wok.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: theDarkSide on March 09, 2012, 07:07:59 PM
Q.  What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A.  About 4 beers

 :o
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 09, 2012, 07:12:12 PM
Q.  What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A.  About 4 beers

 :o

I'd have to make that at least 6 beers, maybe 8. :)
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 09, 2012, 07:31:52 PM
Boudreaux was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Marie, will you give me one last request ?"
"Of course, Boudreaux, anything," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I wants you to marry Thibodeaux."
Marie remarks, "But I thought you hated Thibodeaux."
With his last breath, Boudreaux said, "I do !"

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: theDarkSide on March 09, 2012, 07:36:52 PM
Q.  What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A.  About 4 beers

 :o

I'd have to make that at least 6 beers, maybe 8. :)

Maybe they're really big beers, in starting gravity or volume or both  ;D
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 09, 2012, 07:40:13 PM
A travelling salesman pulled up in front of Boudreaux and Marie's house. He got out and knocked on the door, and Marie answered. The salesman asked if she could give him directions to Baton Rouge .

"Don't know," Marie said.

He got back in his car and as he pulled away, he heard voices. Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw Marie and an old man waving frantically for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back up to them.

"This is my husband, Boudreaux", Marie tells him. "And he don't know how to get to Baton Rouge either!"

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: repo on March 09, 2012, 07:41:24 PM
Why is the area between a womans breast and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another set of breasts in there.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 09, 2012, 07:57:44 PM
It’s Marie and Boudreaux’s wedding night.  Marie takes Boudreaux’s hand and leads him upstairs to the honeymoon suite.  “I’ve been saving myself for you Boudreaux!  Let me undress you.”

Marie pulls off Boudreaux’s shoes and socks and sees Boudreaux’s toes are all curled up and deformed, “Oh Boudreaux, what happened to your toes?"

“I had da toelios when I was a boy.”

“Toelios… ouch!  That’s pretty bad,”  Marie says as she removes Boudreaux’s pants.  With his pants removed Marie sees Boudreaux’s knees are all scarred up and knurly looking, “Oh Boudreaux, what happened to you knees?”

“When I was a teenager I caught the kneesles.”

“Oh  Boudreaux,  that must have been awful!”

Marie then  removes  Boudreaux’s boxers, takes one look and says, “Oh Boudreaux, I see you had the smallcox too!”
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: beersk on March 09, 2012, 08:21:03 PM
A sandwich walks in to a bar.  The bartender says, "Oh, we don't serve food here".
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 09, 2012, 08:23:28 PM
A guy dressed as a pirate walks into a bar with a boat steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He walks up to the bar and orders a whisky. The bartender serves him and then says "I gotta ask, what's with the boat steering wheel?"

The pirate replies "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: brewmichigan on March 09, 2012, 08:29:43 PM
A guy dressed as a pirate walks into a bar with a boat steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He walks up to the bar and orders a whisky. The bartender serves him and then says "I gotta ask, what's with the boat steering wheel?"

The pirate replies "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts"

^^^^^^^^
This = Awesome

Always loved that one.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: beersk on March 09, 2012, 08:50:51 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. He looks around and notices that there are slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. He then says to the bartender, "Why is there meat hanging from the ceiling?''.

The bartender says, 'It's a little bet that we are running. If you can jump up and grab a bit of meat in your mouth then you can have all of your drinks bought for you. If you fail then you have to buy everyone else in the bar their drinks for them. Are you going to have a try at it''. The man shakes his head and says to the bartender, "No, the stakes are to high."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: beersk on March 09, 2012, 09:12:42 PM
So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 09, 2012, 09:33:17 PM
So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."

I like that.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: maxieboy on March 09, 2012, 10:05:20 PM
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says “no”!
 
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: maxieboy on March 09, 2012, 10:21:16 PM
Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

 Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

 George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

 Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 09, 2012, 10:30:29 PM
a couple weeks after Hamish began working as a shepherd the lack of female companionship began to get to him. He asked the advice of the other shepherds and Collin replies "jest pick a ship and have at m'boy!"

Well it takes Hamish a little while longer to get that desperate but one day he gives in, picks a likely looking sheep and has at. That night as they sit around the camp fire he notices some of the other shepherds looking at him and chuckling. "What?" says Hamish, "Didn't you say to pick a sheep and have at?"

"Of course" replies Collin, "but I did no say y'had to pick an ugly one!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 10, 2012, 02:27:44 AM
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to
mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in
which to let the pigs mate.The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The
other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.  If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."     
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 10, 2012, 02:41:51 AM
The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 10, 2012, 02:45:44 AM
"The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 10, 2012, 03:39:20 AM
So, understand where I am coming from. No more political jokes please. PM me if you have any questions as to why.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weazletoe on March 10, 2012, 04:13:56 AM
Will do Major. But weiner jokes are still cool, right?
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 10, 2012, 04:22:47 AM
I'm trying to see what was political in the last few jokes. I guess I'm just slow.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: dbeechum on March 10, 2012, 04:32:39 AM
bo, it's the same thing that would run afoul of classic Mark Twain:

Quote
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: boulderbrewer on March 10, 2012, 07:20:41 AM
Q.  What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A.  About 4 beers

 :o

He will be here the whole week, please tip your waitress.....
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: boulderbrewer on March 10, 2012, 07:30:39 AM
You guys know me, I 'm a bit of a heavy weight, Here's what happened, I went for the the slim fast deal. Good food for a month! Well bad news that meal plan only lasts for the first day when you are hungry.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: tonyp on March 10, 2012, 07:41:11 AM
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 10, 2012, 11:51:01 AM
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.

+1 LOL
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: tumarkin on March 10, 2012, 12:19:01 PM
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
 
No, wait... sorry.
       I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does all that s***.
       Never mind



 
 
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: maxieboy on March 10, 2012, 12:57:57 PM
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

I LOLed.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 10, 2012, 01:09:05 PM
I'm trying to see what was political in the last few jokes. I guess I'm just slow.

It's because I deleted it. Unless your eyes can go back in time you won't see it now.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weazletoe on March 10, 2012, 03:31:26 PM
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.

HILARIOUS!!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: jamminbrew on March 10, 2012, 03:47:22 PM
Two elderly Irishmen, Sean ans Seamus, were at their favorite pub, and discussing their eventual passing. Sean hands Seamus a 100 year old bottle of whiskey, and asks him if he would pour it out upon his grave when he dies. Seamus replies, "Why sure, but do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 10, 2012, 05:50:38 PM
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.

Same problem in Florida:

The military tested a MOAB at Eglin AFB in the Florida panhandle.  16 French tourists at Walt Disney World in Orlando surrendered to Goofy.

(sorry Phil, I couldn't resist)
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: fatdogale on March 10, 2012, 07:10:42 PM
The day after her husband disappeared while out kayaking, a Hoodsport woman answered her door to find two grim-faced Washington State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some information about your husband," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find him?" She shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this morning we found your husband's body in Puget Sound."

"Oh no!" Swallowing hard, she asked, "and What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled him up, he had about 25 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to him, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow."


Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: repo on March 10, 2012, 08:01:04 PM
Why men have better friends.

A woman doesn't come home one night and tells her husband that she stayed over at a friends.
The husband calls 10 of her best friends. They all claimed she hadn't stayed with them.

A man doesn't come home one night and tells his wife that he stayed over at a friends.
The wife calls 10 of his best friends. 8 of them tell her that he stayed over, and 2 of them claimed that he was still there.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 10, 2012, 08:22:18 PM
A nurse walks into a bank and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to sign her check with it. She looks up at the teller and says, I think some asshole has my pen.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: 1vertical on March 10, 2012, 09:44:38 PM
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 11, 2012, 07:55:02 PM
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 11, 2012, 08:12:58 PM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
Title: AHA joke thread
Post by: ckpash88 on March 11, 2012, 09:23:35 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 11, 2012, 09:31:31 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

damn! That's funny, and just plain wrong!  ;D
Title: AHA joke thread
Post by: ckpash88 on March 11, 2012, 09:34:29 PM
What's the difference between rolling stones and a Scottish herdsmen.

One says hey you get off my cloud

The other says hey mcloud get off my you


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: tschmidlin on March 11, 2012, 10:13:52 PM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
And here I thought it would have been better posted in the "idiotic social commentary" thread.  It started off fine, but maybe if it had been 1/4 as long it would have continued to be amusing
Title: AHA joke thread
Post by: denny on March 11, 2012, 11:16:40 PM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
And here I thought it would have been better posted in the "idiotic social commentary" thread.  It started off fine, but maybe if it had been 1/4 as long it would have continued to be amusing

Agreed.  I kept trying to find the joke there.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 02:59:50 AM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: jamminbrew on March 12, 2012, 03:09:51 AM
A blond GUY joke...
3 construction workers, an irishman, a mexican, and a blond are working in a high rise building. Its lunch time, and they sit down on top of the building to eat. The Irishman opens his lunchbox, and exclaims "Corned beef again? I f I get corned beef again, I'll jump off this building."  The Mexican opens his lunchbox, and says "Tacos? One more day of tacos, and I will also jump off this building." The blond guy opens his lunch, and sees a bologna sandwich. He complains "I hate bologna. If I get bologna tomorrow, I'll join you guys in jumping off the building."
So the next day, the three men sit down again to eat their lunches, and sure enough all three have the same lunch as before. So all three of them jump off the building.
At the funeral for the three men, the wives are crying, and the Irishman's wife says "If only he had said something, I'd have made him steak and potatoes!"  The Mexican's wife sobs "If he had told me, I would have fixed him tamales instead!"  They turn to the blond guy's wife, and she says "What are you looking at me for? He packed his own lunch!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 03:19:19 AM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
And here I thought it would have been better posted in the "idiotic social commentary" thread.  It started off fine, but maybe if it had been 1/4 as long it would have continued to be amusing

Agreed.  I kept trying to find the joke there.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

I laughed. I cried.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: dean on March 12, 2012, 03:57:03 AM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
And here I thought it would have been better posted in the "idiotic social commentary" thread.  It started off fine, but maybe if it had been 1/4 as long it would have continued to be amusing


Quote
Agireed.  I kept trying to find the joke there.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD


 The joke was that it wasn't a joke.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: corkybstewart on March 12, 2012, 04:02:03 AM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
How old are you?  for those of us in our fifties who grew up listening to real rock & roll Pink Floyd was very cutting edge.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 04:08:51 AM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
How old are you?  for those of us in our fifties who grew up listening to real rock & roll Pink Floyd was very cutting edge.

If they were so "cutting edge", then how come I only ever hear one song played on most music stations?
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 12, 2012, 05:05:19 AM
Music stations? Really? 
Now that's funny!  My selection for funniest joke in the thread.

Comfortably Numb defines a generation.  David Gilmour is a god.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: boulderbrewer on March 12, 2012, 05:10:01 AM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
And here I thought it would have been better posted in the "idiotic social commentary" thread.  It started off fine, but maybe if it had been 1/4 as long it would have continued to be amusing

Agreed.  I kept trying to find the joke there.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
It is a sad comentary on our society, while I watch Bayou Billionares.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: punatic on March 12, 2012, 05:23:39 AM
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D
And here I thought it would have been better posted in the "idiotic social commentary" thread.  It started off fine, but maybe if it had been 1/4 as long it would have continued to be amusing

I got a couple of paragraphs down and moved on.  Life's to short to spend time on...  yawn...   :o
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 07:51:28 AM
Music stations? Really? 
Now that's funny!  My selection for funniest joke in the thread.

Comfortably Numb defines a generation.  David Gilmour is a god.

Really
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: denny on March 12, 2012, 02:46:35 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
How old are you?  for those of us in our fifties who grew up listening to real rock & roll Pink Floyd was very cutting edge.

If they were so "cutting edge", then how come I only ever hear one song played on most music stations?

Great music doesn't necessarily get played on the radio.  That's not an accurate measure.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 03:02:12 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
How old are you?  for those of us in our fifties who grew up listening to real rock & roll Pink Floyd was very cutting edge.

If they were so "cutting edge", then how come I only ever hear one song played on most music stations?

Great music doesn't necessarily get played on the radio.  That's not an accurate measure.

Well, it's interesting that when I select classic rock on XM or DirecTV music stations, I hear most every other band's many hits. In PF's case it's almost always The Wall or as I like to call it The Bed. To me, the song is boring, especially the long version. I'm ready for a nap 5 minutes into it.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: repo on March 12, 2012, 03:12:28 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)

The Wall was an album as well as a song, the album had quite a few "hits". You have never heard of the album The Dark Side of the Moon??? It is I think their most famous and has more "hits".  Or how about the album Wish You Were Here, a few more "hits",  to name a few. Or their 24 minute song Echoes off of the Meddle album- a little hard to get commercials in so no air time. Maybe you've heard the songs but just don't know who made them?
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 03:15:04 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)

The Wall was an album as well as a song, the album had quite a few "hits". You have never heard of the album The Dark Side of the Moon??? It is I think their most famous and has more "hits".  Or how about the album Wish You Were Here, a few more "hits",  to name a few. Or their 24 minute song Echoes off of the Meddle album- a little hard to get commercials in so no air time. Maybe you've heard the songs but just don't know who made them?

After thinking about it, they probably do play other songs, they just all sound like The Wall to me. :D
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 12, 2012, 03:15:50 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
How old are you?  for those of us in our fifties who grew up listening to real rock & roll Pink Floyd was very cutting edge.

If they were so "cutting edge", then how come I only ever hear one song played on most music stations?

Great music doesn't necessarily get played on the radio.  That's not an accurate measure.

Well, it's interesting that when I select classic rock on XM or DirecTV music stations, I hear most every other band's many hits. In PF's case it's almost always The Wall or as I like to call it The Bed. To me, the song is boring, especially the long version. I'm ready for a nap 5 minutes into it.

okay then, to paraphrase Denny, great music doesn't necessarily get played on mass media.

most people that drink beer in america think that bud and miller etc are the best beer there is. doesn't mean it's true. What is presented to us as consumers has less to do with quality and more to do with marketability. Many of PF's songs are not really great for marketability as they tend to be complex enough that it challenges the listener too much. The wall, if the political/social commentary aspect is ignored, is very approachable, if a little dolorus.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 12, 2012, 03:19:43 PM
Q: How many Pink Floyd members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: All 5, but Rick will refuse to help, Syd will be too stoned to do anything, Nick will just get in the way, Roger will end up doing the whole thing alone and Dave will call him a show off for it.


Trying to get this back on track.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: gymrat on March 12, 2012, 03:32:41 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)

Yes. Money was a big hit.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 12, 2012, 04:44:31 PM
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's funny and just so right. I hear people praise PF, yet all I ever hear played is The Wall. Did they ever really have another hit? ;)
How old are you?  for those of us in our fifties who grew up listening to real rock & roll Pink Floyd was very cutting edge.

If they were so "cutting edge", then how come I only ever hear one song played on most music stations?

Having heard the music preferred by my children's generation, it has to do more with audience than the artist.  How about Brain Dead, Is there anybody out there?.  Here's a few albums they released: http://www.metrolyrics.com/pink-floyd-albums-list.html

Paul
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 12, 2012, 05:40:35 PM
Q: How many Pink Floyd members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: All 5, but Rick will refuse to help, Syd will be too stoned to do anything, Nick will just get in the way, Roger will end up doing the whole thing alone and Dave will call him a show off for it.


Trying to get this back on track.

that's funny! :D
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: majorvices on March 12, 2012, 06:47:58 PM
+1
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weazletoe on March 12, 2012, 07:23:28 PM
Shamus and O'Brian are walking home from the pub one night ,quite loaded. and decide to short cut through thru the cemetary. The begin ready headstones, and seeing how old people lived. "Eighty four years old was Patrick O'Malley."
  "That's nothing. This  bloak was 226."

"Two hundred and twenty six!! What was his name?"

"Miles ToDublin"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 12, 2012, 07:32:06 PM
Shamus and O'Brian are walking home from the pub one night ,quite loaded. and decide to short cut through thru the cemetary. The begin ready headstones, and seeing how old people lived. "Eighty four years old was Patrick O'Malley."
  "That's nothing. This  bloak was 226."

"Two hundred and twenty six!! What was his name?"

"Miles ToDublin"

they were drinking cause they got fired. Seems they had a good job putting up telephone poles and one day the boss said "Shamus, I need to know how tall those poles over there are"

So Shamus and O'Brian start work. Shamus says "okay, you stand the poles up and I'll climb up there and measure them"

"Why don't we just measure them on the ground?" askes O'Brian.

"you idiot," replies Shamus, "He asked how tall they were not how long!!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 12, 2012, 09:15:25 PM
Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.

'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.

'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'

'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weazletoe on March 12, 2012, 09:19:59 PM
I just LOL'ed.  ;D
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: captain_sousie on March 12, 2012, 11:43:26 PM
Two crews, one from Wyoming and one from Nebraska, were hired to replace telephone poles along the border.  The crews were given their orders and went to work digging the holes and putting up the poles. 

After a long day the foreman asked the Wyoming crew how many poles they had put in the ground.

"Fifteen" was the answer.

"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.

Turning to the Nebraska crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was
the answer.

"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"

"Yes," replied the leader of the Nebraska group, "But go look at how much they
left sticking out of the ground."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: captain_sousie on March 12, 2012, 11:45:47 PM
Soon after our last child left home for college, my wife was resting next
to me on the couch with her head in my lap.

I carefully removed her glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without
your glasses you look like the same young woman I married."

"Honey," she replied, "Without my glasses, you look pretty good,
too!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: captain_sousie on March 12, 2012, 11:46:56 PM
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering... "Bob, you're a vet..."
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: captain_sousie on March 12, 2012, 11:48:32 PM
Did you hear about the dehydrated Frenchman Pierre?
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weithman5 on March 13, 2012, 08:52:50 PM
dean's pecker comment (in the droid thread) reminded me of this.

so i walked in to this bar where a guy had a horse up on the stage. next to him was a sign that said free beer for the bar tonight if anyone can make my horse laugh.

so i walked up and whispered in his ear and the horse starts laughing.  we all got free beer for the night.

the next week i go back and the same horse was there with a new sign.  free beer for life if you can make my horse cry.

so i walked up and whispered in the horse's ear and showed him something and the horse starts crying.

the owner asks me how i did.  well the first time i whispered that my pecker was bigger than his.  the second time i proved it.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Bret on March 14, 2012, 06:56:19 PM
Q: Why did the blond have bruises around her belly button?
A: Blond guys are dumb too.

Q: Why did the lollypop cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken.

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 14, 2012, 07:01:26 PM
Science Experiment . .

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 14, 2012, 07:02:40 PM
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
 two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
 his driver to stop so that he could investigate. The lawyer got
 out of his limousine and asked one of the men, "Why are you
 eating grass?"

 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man answered. "We
 have to eat grass."

 "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
 lawyer said.

 The poor man replied, "But sir, I have a wife and two children
 with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
 man he said to him, "You can come with us also."

 The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also
 have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 "No problem, bring them all as well!" the lawyer answered. They
 all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
 large as the limousine was.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
 said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
 with you."

 The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place
 - the grass is almost a foot high!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 14, 2012, 07:12:42 PM
(http://www.loopy.org/rs.jpg)
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 14, 2012, 07:49:17 PM
A man was out flying in his hot air balloon and an unexpected storm came in.  The winds were very strong and their was no way to land the craft so he was forced to ride it out. 

Once the storm was past and the man had his balloon under control again he needed to find out where he was.  He spied a man standing in a clearing and descended close enough to ask where he was.  When he got close enough he yelled to the man and asked where he was?  The man replied "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 100 feet off the ground. 

The man in the balloon thanked the man on the ground for his help and asked if he was a Microsoft Systems Engineer?  The man on the ground was astounded and replied "why yes, yes I am.  How did you know?"  The man in the balloon yelled back "because I asked you a simple question you gave an accurate and exacting answer that didn't help me at all".


Sorry, old sys admin jokes.  Paul
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 14, 2012, 08:14:33 PM
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: pinnah on March 14, 2012, 09:15:34 PM
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Pretty sure it belongs in the Meaningless Thread.




.....again, I got nothin. ;D

Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 14, 2012, 09:25:33 PM
Cowboy And The Genie
 
 
A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.  His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
 
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
 
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work ....You have three wishes."
 
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy.  "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
 
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
 
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"
 
***POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
 
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
 
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
 
***POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
 
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
 
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, I will be surrounded by beautiful women who will want and need me."
 
***POOF***
 
He was turned into a tampon.
 
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: morticaixavier on March 14, 2012, 09:38:54 PM
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Pretty sure it belongs in the Meaningless Thread.




.....again, I got nothin. ;D

The problem with that picture is that they don't look that much alike beyond both being black and both having mustaches.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 14, 2012, 09:42:06 PM
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Pretty sure it belongs in the Meaningless Thread.




.....again, I got nothin. ;D

The problem with that picture is that they don't look that much alike beyond both being black and both having mustaches.


If I saw that sketch and then that guy on the street, I'd report him. There are a lot more similarities than just skin color and facial hair.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: Slowbrew on March 14, 2012, 09:42:25 PM
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid.
 
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.
 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what
you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet,
then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
 
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
No response.
 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Still no response.
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Again he gets no response.
 
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
 
Again there is no response.
 
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
(I just love this)
 
"Ralph, for the *FIFTH* damn time, CHICKEN!"

________________

Okay, I'm done.

Paul
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 16, 2012, 11:31:37 AM
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You crapped the bed!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 16, 2012, 11:43:59 AM

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and they order the 'Chicken
Surprise'.  The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the Lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.  He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waitress over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waitress, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waitress , 'I bring you Peking Duck.'
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: weazletoe on March 16, 2012, 07:13:46 PM
Bo, I can't tell you the last time I laughed that hard at a joke!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: bo on March 18, 2012, 03:23:30 AM
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors
are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.


The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: tschmidlin on March 19, 2012, 05:02:37 AM
I read versions of most of these jokes in Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar this past weekend.  I'm not sure if this has been posted . . .

A 70 year old man goes to confession and says "Father, last night I had sex with two 20 years olds - at the same time!  I didn't pay them a dime, and we were up all night."

The priest says "Oh my, that is a grave sin, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The man says "I've never been to confession.  I'm not even religious."

The priest says "Then why are you here telling me this?"

And the man says "Are you kidding?  At my age?  I'm telling everyone!"
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 19, 2012, 10:14:15 PM
The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices  the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner, ' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.' The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: loopy on March 19, 2012, 10:15:27 PM
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.  When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.  It's gonna start".  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.  When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second".

"That's it!"  She blows her top.  "You  bastard!  You waltz in here, flop your fat-ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.  Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband signed, "Oh s***, it started".
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: maxieboy on March 19, 2012, 11:05:58 PM
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.  When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.  It's gonna start".  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.  When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second".

"That's it!"  She blows her top.  "You  bastard!  You waltz in here, flop your fat-ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.  Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband signed, "Oh s***, it started".

Love the classics!
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: yugamrap on March 20, 2012, 08:31:27 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Title: Re: AHA joke thread
Post by: yugamrap on March 20, 2012, 08:35:51 PM
My dad's favorite:

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman