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Other than Brewing => The Pub => Topic started by: denny on December 14, 2010, 07:27:15 pm

Title: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 14, 2010, 07:27:15 pm

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs.Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of  little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


Not a lot of people know this.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: Hokerer on December 14, 2010, 07:32:59 pm
Very funny. That one really sleighs me :)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: weazletoe on December 14, 2010, 08:54:14 pm
Wow! To bad jokes in one thread!!! This has to be some kind of record!!  ;D
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: majorvices on December 14, 2010, 10:18:23 pm
Somebody get Denny a new joke book for Christmas.  :P
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: tubercle on December 14, 2010, 10:21:13 pm
Thought it funny

In a weird sort of way
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 14, 2010, 10:28:17 pm
Somebody get Denny a new joke book for Christmas.  :P

Yeah, it's weak, but hey, it gets ya in the Christmas mood!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: Mikey on December 14, 2010, 11:40:21 pm
I think it's inappropriate for this site. :)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: majorvices on December 15, 2010, 03:42:19 am
I think it's inappropriate for this site. :)
(http://i660.photobucket.com/albums/uu328/zerosignal/francis.jpg)

Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: euge on December 15, 2010, 06:11:40 am
Sounds like a typical day at work.  ::)

I liked it Denny.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: Kaiser on December 15, 2010, 12:37:06 pm
I thought it was funny.

Kai
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: phillamb168 on December 15, 2010, 01:59:17 pm
Reported to moderator.

...for being AWESOME!

:-) Got any more where that came from?
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: bluesman on December 15, 2010, 02:41:33 pm
Works for me Denny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0IwpRzWL_4
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: majorvices on December 15, 2010, 02:42:24 pm
I thought it was funny.

Kai

Me too. About 10 years ago when I first heard it.  ;)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: bluesman on December 15, 2010, 02:44:58 pm
I thought it was funny.

Kai

Me too. About 10 years ago when I first heard it.  ;)

I guess you don't fit into the "alot of people" category.  :P
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: tschmidlin on December 15, 2010, 07:54:27 pm
Physics of Santa Claus

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: punatic on December 15, 2010, 07:58:50 pm

...In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Kill Joy!

I see nothing but coal in Little Tommy's stocking this year!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: majorvices on December 15, 2010, 08:00:40 pm
Yeah, thats fine if you don't believe in santa. But don't spoil it for the rest of us.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: tschmidlin on December 15, 2010, 08:02:09 pm

...In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Kill Joy!

I see nothing but coal in Little Tommy's stocking this year!
I'll add it to my collection ;)

Yeah, thats fine if you don't believe in santa. But don't spoil it for the rest of us.

My kids are 5 and know Santa's not real.  But they also know they're not supposed to talk about it, last year there was a lot of crying at their preschool ;D
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: yugamrap on December 15, 2010, 08:13:10 pm
I think it's inappropriate for this site. :)
(http://i660.photobucket.com/albums/uu328/zerosignal/francis.jpg)


I guess Keith's our "Big Toe"...  ;-)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 15, 2010, 08:28:01 pm
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Thanks for ruining my Christmas, Mr. Grinch!   :'(

 ;D
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: punatic on December 15, 2010, 08:28:58 pm
I think it's inappropriate for this site. :)
(http://i660.photobucket.com/albums/uu328/zerosignal/francis.jpg)



1st Cav - "Live the Legend"
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: theDarkSide on December 15, 2010, 08:43:08 pm
Personally, I like this "A Christmas Story"
(http://www.sofakingdrunk.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/christmas-story-Drinking-Game.jpg)

"NOT A FINGER!!!"
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 15, 2010, 09:01:53 pm
+ a billionty and eleven!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: weazletoe on December 15, 2010, 11:52:41 pm
That movie is in my top 5. "Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!"   
  And Denny, I have to apologize. I told the joke three times today, ang got big laughs each time. I takes a big man to tell a joke that bad, but a bigger man to admit when a terrible joke isn't so terrible. So, I must be the biggest, joke telling man of them all. I'm gonna go have another beer now.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 16, 2010, 01:34:43 am
Barry, if I don't have to apologize for posting it, you don't have to apologize either!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: weazletoe on December 16, 2010, 01:59:52 am
Denny, I NEVER apoligize, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: oscarvan on December 16, 2010, 04:10:23 am
My favorite version of the Christmas Story......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7dDsYyTlio
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: euge on December 16, 2010, 06:38:41 am
Denny, I NEVER apoligize, I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Well you just did actually.  ;D

That movie is in my top 5. "Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!"   
  And Denny, I have to apologize. I told the joke three times today, ang got big laughs each time. I takes a big man to tell a joke that bad, but a bigger man to admit when a terrible joke isn't so terrible. So, I must be the biggest, joke telling man of them all. I'm gonna go have another beer now.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: rabid_dingo on December 16, 2010, 07:06:33 am
A bunch of blahdy blady blah...

You missed the Good Eats Santa Cookie episode. Santa can manipulate time. It makes sense
why would he only travel once a year? Because it takes him a year to visit all the homes. It just
feels like 31 hours to us...
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: akr71 on December 16, 2010, 02:01:13 pm
I usually load this up for my kids Christmas Eve:

http://www.noradsanta.org/

My daughter usually gets a kick out of it.  She's 7 now and I think she's starting to suspect some things (friends with older siblings in the school yard and she's a pretty smart kid), but she wants to believe and wants to keep the excitement there for her 2 year old brother.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: tschmidlin on December 16, 2010, 05:46:38 pm
A bunch of blahdy blady blah...

You missed the Good Eats Santa Cookie episode. Santa can manipulate time. It makes sense
why would he only travel once a year? Because it takes him a year to visit all the homes. It just
feels like 31 hours to us...
I did miss that episode.  So let's see, Santa has 8760 hours to do it instead of 31.  Let's even go to 8784, best case scenario is a leap year, right?  So he can move 283 (let's round up to 284) times slower.  That's still over 8000 mph, more than 10 times the speed of sound.  If we simplify the sleigh and reindeer to be a point, which they obviously are not, the lead pair of reindeer still must absorb 1 quadrillion joules of heat per second, each.  It might not happen as quickly, but you still end up with reindeer/sleigh/Santa ash. ;D
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: akr71 on December 16, 2010, 05:58:51 pm
But by your own admission, he doesn't need to visit large parts of Asia and Africa.  Plus, places that celebrate Little Christmas (January 6, I think) wouldn't expect the Jolly Old Elf to visit until then.

How do these factor into his fate?
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: euge on December 16, 2010, 06:03:54 pm
At least now we know why Rudolph's nose is red... ::)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: tschmidlin on December 16, 2010, 06:22:17 pm
But by your own admission, he doesn't need to visit large parts of Asia and Africa.  Plus, places that celebrate Little Christmas (January 6, I think) wouldn't expect the Jolly Old Elf to visit until then.

How do these factor into his fate?
The date isn't important, since we're giving him the whole year to do it.  And I think the differences in location are small compared to the several advantages we're giving SAnta, like using a point mass to calculate kinetic energy, neglecting to account for sleeping, bathroom breaks, and quality time with Mrs. Santa.  We'll assume Santa eats nothing but the cookies and milk that little kids leave out for him, or we'd have to factor in meals as well.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: punatic on December 16, 2010, 09:33:30 pm
My son has been a Harry Potter fan since he was two.  Each year Harry's owl, Hedwig, would come and take my son's Dear Santa letter from our mail box to the North Pole.

Now what are we going to do?   :(
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: theDarkSide on December 16, 2010, 09:34:59 pm
My son has been a Harry Potter fan since he was two.  Each year Harry's owl, Hedwig, would come and take my son's Dear Santa letter from our mail box to the North Pole.

Now what are we going to do?   :(

Errol is still around, isn't he?  Of course the letter may take longer to get there.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: jeffy on December 16, 2010, 10:20:15 pm
The date isn't important, since we're giving him the whole year to do it.  And I think the differences in location are small compared to the several advantages we're giving SAnta, like using a point mass to calculate kinetic energy, neglecting to account for sleeping, bathroom breaks, and quality time with Mrs. Santa.  We'll assume Santa eats nothing but the cookies and milk that little kids leave out for him, or we'd have to factor in meals as well.

Ok I've read about enough, Tom!  It's not about the FACTS it's about having faith.  If you had just an ounce of faith you, too,  could believe! When it comes down to it, Tom, you want to believe don't you?!  How does Santa do it?  Who are we, to ask such a silly question?  Here's the important part; Tom, I believe in you, I have faith that you, too, can believe!  Come on, try it with us!    :D

Should we all click our heels together or clap our hands or something?
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 16, 2010, 10:22:39 pm
Should we all click our heels together or clap our hands or something?

Have you seen "Elf"?  You sing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: punatic on December 17, 2010, 01:54:50 am
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3112/2724569690_59b6029142.jpg)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: punatic on December 17, 2010, 01:56:18 am
My son has been a Harry Potter fan since he was two.  Each year Harry's owl, Hedwig, would come and take my son's Dear Santa letter from our mail box to the North Pole.

Now what are we going to do?   :(

Errol is still around, isn't he?  Of course the letter may take longer to get there.

"Bloody bird's a menace!"
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: tumarkin on December 17, 2010, 12:11:07 pm
ok, so I remember seeing a homebrewers Night Before Christmas in years past and of course I google it.  there were several versions out there, all different & each good in there own right, but this is the one that's probably most appropriate here, though maybe Denny needs a new avatar.......

Twas the night before Christmas (@ NB)
by Legman » Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:41 pm

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a beer was brewing, not even a Rauch.
The hops were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Denny Conn soon would be there.

The brewers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Robust Porters danced in their heads.
And Bo_gator with his Stout, and I finishing my CAP,
Had just filled a pint glass of Winter Warmer straight from the tap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the barstool to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the newly-poured pint,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects insight.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Weazletoe dressed as a pirate, dry-humping my fake reindeer.

Stumbling from the bushes, with slurs from his thick tongue,
I knew in a moment it must be Denny Conn.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now MullerBrau! now, Boulderbrewer! now, Shadetree and Kaiser!
On, ColoradoBrewer! On, Capozzoli! on, on Humulus_guy and Vanwolfhausen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With a shopping cart full of kegs, and Denny Conn too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The stumbling and cussing of each drunken goof.
As I savored my pint’s frothy head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Denny Conn came with a bound.

He was dressed all in grey, except for red Chucks,
And his clothes were all beer stained and a chicken hat that clucked.
A bundle of grains he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an old hippy, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, he’s drank too much
Wheat beer flavored with cherry!
The drool on his mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stem of a goblet he held tight in his teeth,
And he wasn’t embarrassed to scratch somewhere beneath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly homebrewer,
And I laughed when I saw Beerider and BRANDON,
Fighting and throwing dog manure!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know Denny had nothing but liquid bread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then swaggered with a jerk.
And laying his goblet aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He staggered to his shopping cart, to his team gave a mumble,
And away they all flew, er...uh…more like stumbled.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Brewing to all, and tu zull a guperd mpmumpight!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: denny on December 17, 2010, 03:35:51 pm
Damn....brought a tear to my eye!
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: euge on December 17, 2010, 06:40:18 pm
*sniff*

Nice. :)
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: punatic on December 18, 2010, 02:33:46 am
Here in Hawaii we say, Mele Kalikimaka!

We also have our own versions of some Christmas songs.  Here's one I've been siging Hawaiian style so much I've forgotten the traditional words (Tutu is grandmother):

Hawaiian Kine Twelve Days of Kalikimaka
(redundency removed here for space considerations)

Numbah one day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
One mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah two day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Two coconut  and…

Numbah tree day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Tree dried squid, …

Numbah foah day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Foah flower lei, …

Numbah five day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Five big fat pigs, …

Numbah six day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Six hula lessons, …

Numbah seven day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Seven shrimps a-swimming, …
 
Numbah eight day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Eight ukulele, …

Numbah nine day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Nine pounds of poi, …

Numbah ten day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Ten cans of beer, …

Numbah eleven day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Eleven missionaries, …

Numbah twelve day of Christmas my tutu give to me,
Twelve television, …

 
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: Mikey on December 18, 2010, 03:42:23 am
Mele Kalikimaka makes me think of Christmas Vacation. Now that's a movie I never miss each year.
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: rabid_dingo on December 18, 2010, 05:09:35 am
A bunch of blahdy blady blah...

You missed the Good Eats Santa Cookie episode. Santa can manipulate time. It makes sense
why would he only travel once a year? Because it takes him a year to visit all the homes. It just
feels like 31 hours to us...
I did miss that episode.  So let's see, Santa has 8760 hours to do it instead of 31.  Let's even go to 8784, best case scenario is a leap year, right?  So he can move 283 (let's round up to 284) times slower.  That's still over 8000 mph, more than 10 times the speed of sound.  If we simplify the sleigh and reindeer to be a point, which they obviously are not, the lead pair of reindeer still must absorb 1 quadrillion joules of heat per second, each.  It might not happen as quickly, but you still end up with reindeer/sleigh/Santa ash. ;D

Manipulating time has it's benefits. You don't burn...
Title: Re: A Christmas Story
Post by: kerneldustjacket on December 18, 2010, 10:09:13 pm
Mele Kalikimaka makes me think of Christmas Vacation. Now that's a movie I never miss each year.

Today I received a Christmas card that features a friend dressed as Eddie from the scene when he was draining his Sh*tter. (It was my friend's Halloween costume)

What a hilarious movie!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9sY6iH9Ojg