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Other than Brewing => All Things Food => Topic started by: weazletoe on January 10, 2011, 09:06:09 PM

Title: A culinary abortion!
Post by: weazletoe on January 10, 2011, 09:06:09 PM
  Went to some friends this past Saturday. The chick is as Mexican as they come. (hot too, I might add) She asked what I wanted for dinner, so I sain enchiladas. She makes KILLER Mexican food. I've had it before. Well, when we got there, she said they decided to make bbq ribs, because she knows how much I love bbq. They took three lovely racks of ribs, wrapped them in foil, and cooked them in the oven for 8 hours. Nothing on them, not rubbed, nothing. Took them out, them them on a plate and slathered on some sauce. All I can say, at least the potatoes were good. I geve her an A for effort, but man what a disaster.
  So, what are some of your dinner horror stories?
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: Hokerer on January 10, 2011, 09:19:59 PM
  Went to some friends this past Saturday. The chick is as Mexican as they come. (hot too, I might add)

Can't remember any horror stories right off the top of my head but, as a point of order, let me state the following:  On another message board that I frequent (even more often than this one if that can be believed), there is in place what is known as the "shun" rule.  It basically states that anytime a poster mentions a hot chick, said poster must also include a pic of same.  Failure to do so results in a shun, so...  Shun!

Note:  there is a caveat that states that, should the mentioned subject's pic not be posted for some reason (relative, underage, etc.), then a pic of a celebrity lookalike will suffice.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: hamiltont on January 10, 2011, 09:25:42 PM
After 8 hours I imagine the fat was completely rendered out of those ribs. Think of it this way, she was just looking out for your figure Weaz....  :D  Nothing more to add... Cheers!!!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tubercle on January 10, 2011, 10:13:14 PM
Culinary fail = raw green beans.

 Why is it when you go to a "fancy" restaurant they feel compelled to serve raw green beans? These so called professional chefs think that green beans should be "blanched" for a few minutes and then thrust into an ice water bath to stop the cooking process. What demon taught them this? Who the hell thought that green beans should crunch like cucumbers? I've even seen this $&*t on TV cooking shows that attempt to promulgate this insane conspiracy to institutionalize the young tender minds that don't know any better.

And on top of that they only give you 3 or 4 to spit out. Properly cooked green beans should cover at least half the plate.


 Green beans should be simmered for SEVERAL HOURS with at least smoked ham hocks but preferably with  a 1/2 pound of bacon to a very tender state.

  This is just an observation. If anyone wants the Tubercle's opinion on the subject, just ask.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 11, 2011, 12:31:10 AM
What tubercle has spoken is truth...truth I had never even realized existed before, but truth nonetheless.

Wait for them to start serving collard green slightly warmed over but still raw.  Maybe they will dollop an edge of one of the leafs with balsamic or a flake of sea salt...if we are lucky!

Green beans very nearly require one of the following:  bacon, ham, smoked rib trimmings...basically anything smoked, salty, and formerly porcine.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 11, 2011, 12:58:02 AM
I take it then, that cooking broccoli or cauliflower for 45+ minutes would not be unreasonable?
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tschmidlin on January 11, 2011, 04:54:33 AM
Culinary fail = raw green beans.
:o
I love raw green beans.  We pick them right off the plant and eat them.  They're delicious!

Your way is fine, but if you're going to cook them to death it should be with some cream of mushroom soup and fried onions on top.

My worst culinary fail was when I was a kid, 11 or so.  I was making beef stroganoff for the family, and was tripling the recipe.  Not knowing any better, I tripled the salt.  And I misread tsp as Tbs.  We ate cereal for dinner that night.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: phillamb168 on January 11, 2011, 10:00:38 AM
My favorite fail is this "Burger" place that's not too far from my office. They serve "triple cheeseburgers," by which they mean a HUGE-ASS (very dry) bun with three tiny overcooked pucks of beef arranged in a triangle. It's triple burger, alright, but not in the way any sane person would expect.

Also, in France (Paris at least) if you order a margarita, it comes with a SUGAR rim. Gag me with a spoon.

My personal culinary fail... hrm... Well when I was young, I tried to make cookies and mistook cornmeal for flour. Other than that, nothing major. Well, that's not true, I take forever to cook. The first Thanksgiving with my then-girlfriend now-wife, I told her we were having Thanksgiving lunch. That turned into Thanksgiving late dinner. Six hours. Oops.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: Hokerer on January 11, 2011, 02:51:46 PM
Back in the day, Mom and Dad were out of town so I had to cook for us four 'bros.  Fried the bacon and kept most of the grease as next up was the fried eggs.  Well, I broke so many of the yolks, I decided to just scramble them.  Didn't think about all that grease.  You could barely taste those scrambled eggs as they slid down your throat so fast.  Thirty-some years later they still give me the business about those eggs.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: redbeerman on January 11, 2011, 03:08:13 PM
Culinary fail = raw green beans.

 Why is it when you go to a "fancy" restaurant they feel compelled to serve raw green beans? These so called professional chefs think that green beans should be "blanched" for a few minutes and then thrust into an ice water bath to stop the cooking process. What demon taught them this? Who the hell thought that green beans should crunch like cucumbers? I've even seen this $&*t on TV cooking shows that attempt to promulgate this insane conspiracy to institutionalize the young tender minds that don't know any better.

And on top of that they only give you 3 or 4 to spit out. Properly cooked green beans should cover at least half the plate.


 Green beans should be simmered for SEVERAL HOURS with at least smoked ham hocks but preferably with  a 1/2 pound of bacon to a very tender state.

  This is just an observation. If anyone wants the Tubercle's opinion on the subject, just ask.

Green beans are to be cooked until gray. ;)  So says my mother-in-law from NC.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 11, 2011, 04:14:24 PM
I've got a pending culinary fail...haven't done it yet, but thought I'd get the preemptive FAIL in...Spongebob-esque Krabby Patties, made from imitation crab meat ground up with egg, bread crumb, and seasoning, griddle fried and served on bun with typical condiments.

Probably gonna suck but my daughter loves Mr. Squarepants.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: EHall on January 11, 2011, 04:43:03 PM
dont' forget, the secret ingredient is plankton... don't forget that!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 11, 2011, 04:52:39 PM
dont' forget, the secret ingredient is plankton... don't forget that!

(http://spongebob-squarepants.edogo.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/char_plankton.jpg)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 11, 2011, 11:46:22 PM
Oh man I love raw green beans.

We just blanch them too, then serve them with a little balsamic. Make them that way for salad knee-swa < (cant spell french).

Pan seared green beans are good too. Browned a little on the outside raw in the center.

Or the Chinese way of wok seared with fine chopped pork and sweet soy sauce.

Man those ribs must have been bad.

The Puerto Ricans make deep fried ribs. OMG are they good!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: denny on January 11, 2011, 11:53:51 PM
Oven roasted green beans with lemon and balsamic!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tschmidlin on January 12, 2011, 12:14:30 AM
Oh man I love raw green beans.

We just blanch them too, then serve them with a little balsamic. Make them that way for salad knee-swa < (cant spell french).

Pan seared green beans are good too. Browned a little on the outside raw in the center.

Or the Chinese way of wok seared with fine chopped pork and sweet soy sauce.

Man those ribs must have been bad.

The Puerto Ricans make deep fried ribs. OMG are they good!
Nicoise?  I can't spell french either, but I've seen that word.  I don't know what it means :)

Try the beans with some black been paste, they're delicious!  Which rmeinds me, my ex-sister-in-law made us jalapeno peppers with black bean paste, it was really good.  I've tried to duplicate it, but the peppers are always too hot to eat by the spoonful.  I'm not sure how she made it that time or if she just got lucky with that batch.  And since she's ex, I can't ask :)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: bluesman on January 12, 2011, 12:18:44 AM
Garlic crab salad using imitation crab meat (whiting).  :-X
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: Rhoobarb on January 12, 2011, 08:42:41 PM
.. my ex-sister-in-law made us jalapeno peppers with black bean paste, it was really good.  I've tried to duplicate it, but the peppers are always too hot to eat by the spoonful.  I'm not sure how she made it that time or if she just got lucky with that batch.  ...
Remove the seeds & ribs, then maybe soak the peppers overnight in milk?  IIRC, the milk will supposedly leach out some of the heat. ???
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tschmidlin on January 12, 2011, 09:07:23 PM
.. my ex-sister-in-law made us jalapeno peppers with black bean paste, it was really good.  I've tried to duplicate it, but the peppers are always too hot to eat by the spoonful.  I'm not sure how she made it that time or if she just got lucky with that batch.  ...
Remove the seeds & ribs, then maybe soak the peppers overnight in milk?  IIRC, the milk will supposedly leach out some of the heat. ???
That might work, but she definitely didn't do that, she bought them that day.  And I swear they were just rings, ribs and seeds included.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: weazletoe on January 12, 2011, 09:48:10 PM
Oh, I've got another! I've been pretty sick the last few days,(which is cool cause Discovery is doing some kind of American hopper marathon) so my mother-in-law is cooking tonight. Last time she made chili, she cooked the meant, threw everythnig in a pot, and we were eating it  min later. The beans were crunchy!  :o


   Needless to say, she LOVES my chili.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 12, 2011, 09:58:59 PM
My dear grandmother, in her twilight years, a couple times made food for us when my family visited from Missouri.  I was young at the time, but I will always remember when she emptied a can of Manwich sauce into a saucepan, heated it up, and served it to us on bread, sans meat.   ;D
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: MDixon on January 12, 2011, 10:23:21 PM
I made the WORST pumpkin pie once. The crust was perfect, the recipe was stellar, I inadvertently ground up too much clove. I couldn't even choke it down and dumped it without even letting my wife taste it.

My mother makes the absolute worst stuffing at Thanksgiving and Christmas year after year. It is gray, made from leftover (and then frozen) breads and biscuits and could be used for bricks. My father appears to love it and I've always thought it was awful. It's the only thing she makes which is bad and she continues to make it the same way. Uggg...
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: jaybeerman on January 12, 2011, 10:42:39 PM
Great thread and +1 to raw green beans.  Culinary abortion = most restaurants in our area.  Otherwise I'll always remember a ski trip I took when I was about 18.  The young daughter of some family friends decided to get up early to fix a buddy and I breakfast.  It consisted of hash browns that were started in cold oil, and then stirred frequently in a pan way too hot.  So they were oil logged, burnt in spots and raw in others.  Bacon that was so hard it was inedible with eggs that had bits of the rock hard bacon and burnt hash browns.  All that served with toast that was butter soaked and cold.  Of course, we cleaned our plates smiling the whole time because she was good looking too (sorry, no pics).  Cheers, j
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: maxieboy on January 12, 2011, 11:14:10 PM
Shun... ;)
Does passing, er, falling asleep late at night with a late night snack in the oven and waking up many hours later count?  8)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tubercle on January 12, 2011, 11:30:02 PM

My mother makes the absolute worst stuffing at Thanksgiving and Christmas year after year. It is gray, made from leftover (and then frozen) breads and biscuits and could be used for bricks. My father appears to love it and I've always thought it was awful. It's the only thing she makes which is bad and she continues to make it the same way. Uggg...


 Wise man ;)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 12, 2011, 11:36:04 PM
Culinary Abortion = Anything my Mother in Law cooks, no exaggeration.

Its to bad too, she loves to cook and just hums a long as she cooks. The food is inedible, or at least indigestible.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 12, 2011, 11:46:29 PM
Culinary Abortion = Anything my Mother in Law cooks, no exaggeration.

Its to bad too, she loves to cook and just hums a long as she cooks. The food is inedible, or at least indigestible.

That pigs foot jelly you posted pics of...I mean, that looks like an abortion in multiple senses.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: maxieboy on January 12, 2011, 11:46:57 PM

My mother makes the absolute worst stuffing at Thanksgiving and Christmas year after year. It is gray, made from leftover (and then frozen) breads and biscuits and could be used for bricks. My father appears to love it and I've always thought it was awful. It's the only thing she makes which is bad and she continues to make it the same way. Uggg...


 Wise man ;)

Almost Tuberculean... ;)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 12, 2011, 11:56:56 PM
Oh yeah, good example. The Pig Jello. One of her specialties.

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/capozzoli_2008/2008_1019Alexavideo2002.jpg)

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/capozzoli_2008/2008_1019Alexavideo2003.jpg)

The way it jiggles on the plate it is more like an Unsuccessful Abortion.

Oh man, they are coming in March.

The horror...The horror....the horror.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: maxieboy on January 13, 2011, 12:03:45 AM
Oh yeah, good example. The Pig Jello. One of her specialties.

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/capozzoli_2008/2008_1019Alexavideo2002.jpg)

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/capozzoli_2008/2008_1019Alexavideo2003.jpg)

The way it jiggles on the plate it is more like an Unsuccessful Abortion.

Oh man, they are coming in March.

The horror...The horror....the horror.


Winner! Winner! Badly prepared chicken dinner!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: weazletoe on January 13, 2011, 01:02:34 AM
But I bet her chili isn't crunchy.  :-\
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: beerocd on January 13, 2011, 01:22:28 AM
Oh yeah, good example. The Pig Jello. One of her specialties.

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/capozzoli_2008/2008_1019Alexavideo2002.jpg)

(http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll294/capozzoli_2008/2008_1019Alexavideo2003.jpg)

The way it jiggles on the plate it is more like an Unsuccessful Abortion.

Oh man, they are coming in March.

The horror...The horror....the horror.

Man I love this stuff! Just....not the way she makes it.  :P
You can use any hunk of meat so long as it's bone in. And then you need a TON of garlic and some fresh bread.
It's like anything else, done wrong it causes nightmares.

Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: corkybstewart on January 13, 2011, 03:55:33 AM
But I bet her chili isn't crunchy.  :-\
I cooked a batch of lasagna for my BIL in France while his wife watched and took notes.  The next year we were talking about it and she said it didn't turn out as good when she made it, it was way to crunchy.  Turns out she forgot to write down: Boil the noodles before using.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: phillamb168 on January 13, 2011, 07:30:01 AM
But I bet her chili isn't crunchy.  :-\
I cooked a batch of lasagna for my BIL in France while his wife watched and took notes.  The next year we were talking about it and she said it didn't turn out as good when she made it, it was way to crunchy.  Turns out she forgot to write down: Boil the noodles before using.

I thought you could put them in dry if there was enough liquid in the pan?

Of course, my lasagnas have always been the frozen kind...
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 13, 2011, 07:39:11 AM
It is possible to make lasagna without boiling but it takes more sauce and time.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: MDixon on January 13, 2011, 12:24:08 PM
Yep, I always made it without boiling the noodles. Pretty simple, more sauce...
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: markaberrant on January 13, 2011, 02:10:38 PM
My sister in law made us cabbage rolls one time.  She browned 1 lb of ground beef (she might have put some onion in there too), used fresh green cabbage for the rolls, put them in a caserole dish and dumped a single can of condensed tomato soup (barely covered 25% of the surface area). Threw it in the oven for about 1/2 an hour.

Mmm... uncooked cabbage with unseasoned ground beef and a bit of soup.

My mother in law has always said how she hates salmon.  We make salmon or steelhead trout once a week and love it.  We were over there one day and my father in law picked up a piece of salmon to make for supper because he knew we liked it.  I was watching football, so I don't know how my MIL prepared it, but I know it was baked in the oven for a long time.  I come upstairs for dinner, there is this awful smell, and my mother in law is complaining how bad the salmon smells.  I have never been a fussy eater, in my younger days, my friends called me "the human garbage can" because I would eat up anything.  But I could not eat more than a bite or two of that salmon, it had a greyish colour, a foul odour, and was dry as can be.  No one else even touched it.  No wonder my mother in law claims she hates salmon.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tygo on January 13, 2011, 02:38:56 PM
Yep, I always made it without boiling the noodles. Pretty simple, more sauce...

I like to either half boil them or just soak them in hot tap water for 15 minutes or so and then let them cook the rest of the way in the lasagna.  Just made one like that this past weekend.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: hamiltont on January 13, 2011, 03:30:30 PM
Yep, I always made it without boiling the noodles. Pretty simple, more sauce...

I like to either half boil them or just soak them in hot tap water for 15 minutes or so and then let them cook the rest of the way in the lasagna.  Just made one like that this past weekend.
Ditto, just soak in warm water.  I do the same with dry tortellini. MMM, Tortellini Rosa!! Cheers!!!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: ryang on January 13, 2011, 06:52:36 PM
already poured my cereal, then realized no milk.  still wanting cereal, I searched...

don't ever put apple juice on cereal.  it's bad.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: Hokerer on January 13, 2011, 07:13:36 PM
already poured my cereal, then realized no milk.  still wanting cereal, I searched...

don't ever put apple juice on cereal.  it's bad.

use beer - Snap, Crackle, and Burp :)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tumarkin on January 13, 2011, 07:14:58 PM
already poured my cereal, then realized no milk.  still wanting cereal, I searched...

don't ever put apple juice on cereal.  it's bad.

ditto on orange juice, just ain't no good. I'll have to try hokerer's beer suggestion. that might be the ticket
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: hamiltont on January 13, 2011, 07:16:28 PM
already poured my cereal, then realized no milk.  still wanting cereal, I searched...

don't ever put apple juice on cereal.  it's bad.

ditto on orange juice, just ain't no good. I'll have to try hokerer's beer suggestion. that might be the ticket
MOST Definitely....  Stout on Cocoa Puffs!!!!!  Cheers!!!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 13, 2011, 09:35:58 PM
already poured my cereal, then realized no milk.  still wanting cereal, I searched...

don't ever put apple juice on cereal.  it's bad.

use beer - Snap, Crackle, and Burp :)

I had a roommate years ago when living in Wildwood. He put beer on his cereal even if there was milk in the fridge. He claimed it was the cure for a hangover.

I put the raw rolled out dough in the lasagna without cooking it. It cooks in the sauce.

My B-in law is from Portugal, there they make pasta by cooking it in the sauce, they almost never boil it in the water.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 13, 2011, 10:02:26 PM

I put the raw rolled out dough in the lasagna without cooking it. It cooks in the sauce.

My B-in law is from Portugal, there they make pasta by cooking it in the sauce, they almost never boil it in the water.

Dry pasta or raw, fresh pasta?  That would be a decent difference I'd think.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 14, 2011, 07:01:08 AM

I put the raw rolled out dough in the lasagna without cooking it. It cooks in the sauce.

My B-in law is from Portugal, there they make pasta by cooking it in the sauce, they almost never boil it in the water.

Dry pasta or raw, fresh pasta?  That would be a decent difference I'd think.

Both work in an American casserole style lasagna. However, compared to what I had in Italy they must have used fresh and it was thin pasta. Maybe just dunked in boiling water. Fabulous.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 14, 2011, 01:06:09 PM
Fresh pasta is the only way to go.

Even better is the semolina crepes used for manacotti. Then layer them int something round and the lasagna slices and serves like cake.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: bluesman on January 14, 2011, 03:51:44 PM
Culinary Abortion = Anything my Mother in Law cooks, no exaggeration.

Its to bad too, she loves to cook and just hums a long as she cooks. The food is inedible, or at least indigestible.

That pigs foot jelly you posted pics of...I mean, that looks like an abortion in multiple senses.

LOL... :D

Although I though he said it was chicken.  :-\  God only knows.

I remember that and have to laugh knowing how high Cap's bar is set.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: weazletoe on January 14, 2011, 05:00:03 PM
Just when I thought she could not do any worse, mom-in-law made some chicken noodle soup last night. AND TOTALLY REDEMED HERSELF!! That was good stuff. IT made up for the chili. But not for the roast. Did I tell you guys 'bout that one?
  Some frieds gave us a TON of meat, from one of their cows, all organic fed. Steaks, hamburger, you name it. She took the niceset roast you ever saw, straight out of the freezer, and dropped it in the crock pot. Sprinkled a little pepper on top (not even fresh cracked, right from the shaker) "A" clove of garlic, no salt, no liquids, NOTHING!!!
   THat poor, poor roast. And to think a cow gave it;s life for that travesty.  :'(
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 14, 2011, 07:09:31 PM
Sounds like it's time for someone to step in and have an intervention.

At the the very least- hey Mom, why not have a rest and let us cook for you tonight?  ;)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tschmidlin on January 14, 2011, 08:00:50 PM
Sounds like it's time for someone to step in and have an intervention.

At the the very least- hey Mom, why not have a rest and let us cook for you tonight?  ;)

Or maybe "I know you like cooking, so I got you this cookbook" :)

America's Test Kitchen makes a bunch of good books that also include general tips on cooking.  I like this one a lot.
http://www.cooksillustrated.com/bookstore/detail.asp?PID=336
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: jaybeerman on January 14, 2011, 08:14:30 PM
Sounds like it's time for someone to step in and have an intervention.
At the the very least- hey Mom, why not have a rest and let us cook for you tonight?  ;)
Or maybe "I know you like cooking, so I got you this cookbook" :)

Wow, dangerous territory!  If you attempt either, you might want to practice your delivery in the bathroom mirror.  Channel your feelings on the roast into <faked> genuine sincerity.  Good luck.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tschmidlin on January 14, 2011, 08:30:55 PM
Sounds like it's time for someone to step in and have an intervention.
At the the very least- hey Mom, why not have a rest and let us cook for you tonight?  ;)
Or maybe "I know you like cooking, so I got you this cookbook" :)

Wow, dangerous territory!  If you attempt either, you might want to practice your delivery in the bathroom mirror.  Channel your feelings on the roast into <faked> genuine sincerity.  Good luck.
I'd leave out that it has tips to improve your cooking and just say that it has recipes that looked really great. ;)
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: chumley on January 17, 2011, 09:12:57 PM
To answer the original question....it would have to be the standard Montana summer barbecue.  You go to someone's house, they hand you a can of Busch Light, you drink a couple of those, then the host turns on his gas grill.

He goes into the house, and comes out with a white cardboard box, that is filled with frozen hamburger patties.  Skinny little things.  They haven't quite thawed yet.  The host places on them on the grill, and since they are a little bit frozen (you don't want to risk eating raw meat), he burns the snot out of them.

Then you get a bun out of the bag (toasted? never!), put on some delmonte catsup, French's mustard, Miracle whip, maybe some sliced supermarket tomato, yellow onion, iceberg lettuce, Nalley's sweet pickle relish...and you got yourself a Montana-style burger. :(

To be washed down with another Busch Light.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: hamiltont on January 17, 2011, 09:18:35 PM
Been to one or two of those. Though it doesn't just happen in Montana. The Busch Light is usually the best tasting part about it...  Other than maybe the no-name branded pain chips... Cheers!!!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 17, 2011, 09:31:44 PM
That particular style of cookout has washed into the headwaters of the mighty Missouri river and made its way south to Missouri itself.

A lot of times it is augmented by burned-on-the-outside and still-cold-on-the-inside hot dogs.  I understand the convenience and cheapness of that sort of cookout, but still.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: weazletoe on January 17, 2011, 11:42:12 PM
To answer the original question....it would have to be the standard Montana summer barbecue.  You go to someone's house, they hand you a can of Busch Light, you drink a couple of those, then the host turns on his gas grill.

He goes into the house, and comes out with a white cardboard box, that is filled with frozen hamburger patties.  Skinny little things.  They haven't quite thawed yet.  The host places on them on the grill, and since they are a little bit frozen (you don't want to risk eating raw meat), he burns the snot out of them.

Then you get a bun out of the bag (toasted? never!), put on some delmonte catsup, French's mustard, Miracle whip, maybe some sliced supermarket tomato, yellow onion, iceberg lettuce, Nalley's sweet pickle relish...and you got yourself a Montana-style burger. :(

To be washed down with another Busch Light.


SOunds like you've been to a cookout here at father-in-laws. Only diff is it gets washed down with Icehouse.  :-\
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 17, 2011, 11:59:19 PM
Amazing how people will invite guests over and then try (and succeed) to serve them the cheapest crap possible. And manage to send them home with an extra helping of food borne illness.  :-\
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 18, 2011, 01:01:53 AM
Ewww, sounds like when my mother in law is here.

She just loves going to Aldi (man, I really hate that store) and she fills our cabinets with the most cheapest artificial flavor and colir food there is. Just yuck.

Then she will make some kind of awful stew with over cooked thin cut pork chops with several variates of wilted faded canned veg.

I wont eat her cooking anymore. She is a lovely women but a dirty, dirty cook. I caught her once mouthing the spoon of sour cream, then she used it again in the container of sour cream.

I try not to be offensive but I wont eat her cooking.

SHe also knows now that cooking dinner is my job. Thank goodness, cause I was almost ready to kill. Once I came home from work to find here rearranging my kitchen cabinets.

It gets hard sometimes, real hard, and Im not talking about my unit.

Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: beerocd on January 18, 2011, 01:37:44 AM
That particular style of cookout has washed into the headwaters of the mighty Missouri river and made its way south to Missouri itself.

A lot of times it is augmented by burned-on-the-outside and still-cold-on-the-inside hot dogs.  I understand the convenience and cheapness of that sort of cookout, but still.

You live in Misery? Home of the pork steak!  :D
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: beerocd on January 18, 2011, 01:39:53 AM
It gets hard sometimes, real hard, and Im not talking about my unit.

Never know, the way you talk about her mouthing the spoon, ya coulda been....  :-X
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 18, 2011, 02:25:13 PM
You live in Misery? Home of the pork steak!  :D

Seriously that stuff is as foreign to me, on the west side of the state in Kansas City, as softshell crab.  Seriously, St Louis, where that strange sort of BBQ holds sway, might as well be Illinois to us, it is eastern and mysterious!

I can't complain though, Kansas City BBQ is actually pretty good.  Gates, Jack Stack, Arthur Bryants (meh), LC's, and no end of new upstarts.  But we still have the frozen hamburger patty cookouts.

In their defence, the ones I have been to are not at all about dinner, or food, or anything...its about getting family together, and food and beer and such is all secondary, so I don't begrudge the hosts not killing the fatted calf for a large body of relatives!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: phillamb168 on January 18, 2011, 03:36:05 PM
My dad came to visit this summer, and we had a blast! He brought me a bunch of fun cooking stuff from the US (CharCrust, which is amazing, try it on steak!)... but... he did bring one thing.

You know Prudhomme's Magic Seasoning Salt? He brought me the low-sodium version. Of a seasoning SALT. It tastes like a chemical factory fire. That's a culinary abortion.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 18, 2011, 07:41:06 PM
I got one that's arisen like an ill-forgotten bad memory:  Pineapple chunks in coleslaw. The cafeteria at work makes it that way. They're like isn't it wonderful?! Yum yum yum.

No. It isn't.  >:(

And neither is raisins.  :P
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: capozzoli on January 19, 2011, 12:40:21 AM
My Aunt puts grapes and walnuts in chicken salad.

Just awful.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: beerocd on January 19, 2011, 02:07:52 AM
You live in Misery? Home of the pork steak!  :D

Seriously that stuff is as foreign to me, on the west side of the state in Kansas City, as softshell crab.  Seriously, St Louis, where that strange sort of BBQ holds sway, might as well be Illinois to us, it is eastern and mysterious!

[/quote

Ah yeah, now I remember. I asked before - sorry about that.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: weazletoe on January 19, 2011, 02:23:19 AM
Just a few minutes ago, I get a text from Holly, while I'm on my way to the airport......"My mom made meatloaf tonight. I miss you."   hahahahaha.........
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: phillamb168 on January 19, 2011, 07:14:04 AM
My Aunt puts grapes and walnuts in chicken salad.

Just awful.

Whatever guys, that stuff is great. Throw some tarragon in and you're set. Maybe she buys bad Chicken salad? I dunno. Also, pineapple in coleslaw is pretty good as long as they coleslaw isn't weird to begin with.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: MrNate on January 21, 2011, 07:52:40 PM
I have a few to share, but I do have to say I like the grapes and walnuts in chicken salad. Whatever.

Anyway, starting with my grandmother:
- Boiled meat.
- She once served "salad" which consisted of a leaf of iceberg lettuce on a plate topped with what appeared to be an ice cream scoopful of Miracle Whip.
- Fried squirrel, which wasn't bad except that she took it with the .410 - You haven't lived until you've sat down to a family dinner where the conversation was punctuated by the staccatto "ping" of pellets being spit onto plates.

From the "White Bread America" section of the deli:
- All potato salad sold there is a god-forsaken culinary disaster. They seem to go to great lengths to remove all trace of flavor from the dish. Same for macaroni salad, but that's more or less a lost cause to start with. The only good potato salad I've ever had is the stuff my family makes, and once at a German friend's house. And yes, that means mustard, bacon, and eggs. Deal with it.

Misc:
- Deviled Eggs that contain no or trace amounts of paprika. What up with that?
- Jello containing unidentified, though presumably food, particles.
- I don't want to stereotype an entire religion, but in keeping with the above let's just say anything made by my dad's side of the family.







Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 21, 2011, 08:03:31 PM
I actually prefer the German influenced potato salad. It's labeled as "Homestyle" here. What really floats my boat is the Bavarian stuff made with bacon and caraway seeds. Just a vinaigrette and the potatoes.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: MrNate on January 21, 2011, 08:04:22 PM
I actually prefer the German influenced potato salad. It's labeled as "Homestyle" here. What really floats my boat is the Bavarian stuff made with bacon and caraway seeds. Just a vinaigrette and the potatoes.

I think most people with tastebuds do.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: hamiltont on January 21, 2011, 08:42:55 PM
Okay, so when I was in grade school a looooong time ago I had a really strange taster. My favorite samich for lunch was peanut butter, sliced bananas and yellow mustard. Don't knock it 'till you tried it...  ;D  Cheers!!!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: nicneufeld on January 21, 2011, 08:44:04 PM
The hot variant, kartoffelnsalat, is the only version I will eat.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: MrNate on January 21, 2011, 08:50:49 PM
Didn't know there was a word for it, but it was always served still warm when I was growing up. Not deliberately heated, just still warm from the boiled potatos.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: euge on January 21, 2011, 10:10:03 PM
Here's one for a hangover and actually tastes badass:

Wheat toast, mayo, peanut butter and crispy bacon sandwich.

Sounds disgusting but oh its heaven in your mouth!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: tubercle on January 22, 2011, 12:14:24 AM

- Fried squirrel, which wasn't bad except that she took it with the .410 - You haven't lived until you've sat down to a family dinner where the conversation was punctuated by the staccatto "ping" of pellets being spit onto plates.

 Done it many times. Saturday mornings were reserved for me and my dad to rabbit hunt. We usually got 1 or 2 two which was supper. If no rabbits then a squirrel could always be found on the way back to the house. Usually fried but sometimes stewed with dumplings.

Here's one for a hangover and actually tastes badass:

Wheat toast, mayo, peanut butter and crispy bacon sandwich.

Sounds disgusting but oh its heaven in your mouth!

  Banana, peanutbutter and mayo sandwich fried in butter. Eat a thousand of them ;D That's what killed Elvis :(
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: markaberrant on January 25, 2011, 01:41:13 AM
Here's one for a hangover and actually tastes badass:

Wheat toast, mayo, peanut butter and crispy bacon sandwich.

Sounds disgusting but oh its heaven in your mouth!

  Banana, peanutbutter and mayo sandwich fried in butter. Eat a thousand of them ;D That's what killed Elvis :(

I prefer bacon, tomato, peanut butter and mayo on toast with lots of salt and pepper!
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: akr71 on January 26, 2011, 06:37:45 PM
Okay, so when I was in grade school a looooong time ago I had a really strange taster. My favorite samich for lunch was peanut butter, sliced bananas and yellow mustard. Don't knock it 'till you tried it...  ;D  Cheers!!!

My daughter occasionally asks for a salami and jam sandwich.  She claims its tasty but I think she's just trying to weird me out - which she has.  Now I just make her jam sandwich and put a few slices of salami on the side - if wants to construct that food perversion she can, but I'm not going to have any part of it.
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: Hokerer on January 26, 2011, 06:44:35 PM
My oldest was always into peanut butter and pickles sandwiches
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: Slowbrew on January 26, 2011, 08:18:08 PM
I had skipped over this thread until today.  That may have a been a good thing or a bad thing.

You're all making me happy my kids haven't come up with any to gross they just have to have yet (except anything with peanut butter in, on or around it.  I know people really like, I've never been able to stand it.  I don't know why).

We used to eat squirrel.  It was better than starving (the other option we had at the time) and Mom simmered it in a milk/cream sauce to pull out most of the gamy "rat" flavor.  We tried to only use the .22 to kill squirrels though, Mom hated to dig out pellets.

The big delicacy in our house was beef brains.  Breaded and fried in lard/butter.  Smother a piece of bread with fresh butter and fill with brains like a taco.  It was delicious!!

The amazingness of brains was soon offset by plates full of chicken livers.  They are better fresh (never frozen) but that doesn't mean they are ever very good.

Mom was half English-Irish/half German.  It lead to a few strange meal customs.  I don't ever remember a meal without potatoes, ever... to this day and I just turned 46.   :(

Paul
Title: Re: A culinary abortion!
Post by: hornets nectar on January 26, 2011, 10:08:16 PM
Ok the best is peanut butter , bannana , bacon with mayo
YUM YUM