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Other than Brewing => The Pub => Topic started by: punatic on August 12, 2011, 06:13:50 PM

Title: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 12, 2011, 06:13:50 PM
This forum really gets me laughing sometimes.  You guys and gals have some great senses of humor!

Goodnight Gracie... :D

That's got me ROFLMAO  Good one!

Did ya hear the one about the fisherman, the farmer and the rancher... ?
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: narvin on August 12, 2011, 06:51:21 PM
Talk about crazy eyes!

(http://www.fiftiesweb.com/tv/george-burns.jpg)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: glastctbrew on August 12, 2011, 07:12:44 PM
When I think crazy eyes, I think of only one person.

(http://content6.flixster.com/photo/43/44/30/4344308_gal.jpg)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: EHall on August 12, 2011, 07:29:53 PM
whats endlessly amusing to me is how some threads get shut down right away and some get to live for a while... all while bending/breaking the same rules... not exactly sure why so many restrictions or lack of consistency in the mods...
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: bonjour on August 12, 2011, 07:42:15 PM
Some of it is because we try to let things run,  this thread for example, which is a spinoff of one that was locked.  Most mod actions are only taken after a discussion.  And we do have to read the thread first.  I certainly don't read every thread on the board.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: glastctbrew on August 12, 2011, 07:58:23 PM
I got the impression that it was the the general direction the thread was moving. I don't envy the moderators, they walk a fine line performing an often thankless service.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: phillamb168 on August 12, 2011, 08:07:51 PM
I got the impression that it was the the general direction the thread was moving. I don't envy the moderators, they walk a fine line performing an often thankless service.

+1

Also... Re post #3 on this thread....

FRAU BLEUCHER!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: theDarkSide on August 12, 2011, 08:11:22 PM
I'd say the mods here gives us a lot of slack ( or rope to hang ourselves with ) with some topics.  Some other forums have a serious iron hand...
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: bluesman on August 12, 2011, 08:19:38 PM
We try to make this a fun place to be. There are some rules that get broken from time to time, but in general we have some really fine folks that hang out here. Some of which are above this post.  ;)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: dbeechum on August 12, 2011, 09:21:59 PM
Meh, I hate locking threads.

I'd rather we'd be loose, but we have to deal with the reality that people here have radically different beliefs on a number of things that are closely held. Even among the mod crew, it's different.

Our only directive is to maintain a modicum of focus and a heap of decorum without being obnoxious.

Some folks want to fight and frankly I don't think anyone wants that here.

I want to talk beer and not my leftist commie pinko atheistic beliefs in comparison to your not so leftist commie pinko atheistic beliefs. I'm not here  looking for an echo chamber or a fight over anything other than beer.

In reality it boils down to this - the second a thread heads towards people being less than kind - the thread goes - the people stay. The only people who go are the people who want to fight that idea. Hell, we give those people tons of opportunities too.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weithman5 on August 12, 2011, 09:32:37 PM
being the last smart alek to post before that thread got locked. i apologize. i never mean to pick fights and i usually try to avoid most political talk (because i don't want my non commie pinko....) to interfere with making better beer., i also don't like it to interfere with drinking better beer
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: dbeechum on August 12, 2011, 09:38:09 PM
Threads are rarely locked because of one post or one person. Generally it's just a sense of "heading" as in "well, this isn't going in a good direction", etc.

You just happened to be in before the lock. :)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 12, 2011, 10:07:49 PM
Meh, I hate locking threads.

The way that you ended the one you did was in such an eloquent, succinct, and amusing way I was compelled to comment.  I had tears of laughter in my eyes as I wrote the OP.  It was certainly not meant to continue down the path that caused the lock.

(In my best Pythonesque voice) - And now for something completely different:

 (http://imgs.sfgate.com/c/pictures/2003/10/23/ba_elam.jpg)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: EHall on August 12, 2011, 10:21:25 PM
I guess whats really irking me is from the first post I could see that it would go in a political direction, it has consistently done that every time a post like this comes up. Denny posted a warning (and now that post is gone!) and then went on to participate in the conversation. I get what you're trying to do, this is a beer forum. I'm not looking for a fight or trying to argue, just looking for consistency... which is crazy cause the only thing consistent on the internet is inconsistency...
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: James Lorden on August 12, 2011, 11:24:19 PM
.

 my leftist commie pinko atheistic beliefs in comparison to your not so leftist commie pinko atheistic beliefs. I'm not here  looking for an echo chamber or a fight over anything other than beer.

.

I was offended until I realized that a thread teasing Michelle Bachman was opened by a republican and closed by a democrat. The Universe is still in balance.

Did someone just say Frau Bluecher? A horse just winnied outside my window.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tubercle on August 12, 2011, 11:44:27 PM
I appreciate the way things are handled here. Things are pretty loose until they hit the "cringe" factor.

Discuss beer things in the beer forum, discuss pub things in the pub forum just like in a real pub, just cut out the lights and lock the doors before the fights start.

 BTW...this is a bad time to buy gold.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: corkybstewart on August 13, 2011, 12:11:21 AM
Meh, I hate locking threads.

I'd rather we'd be loose, but we have to deal with the reality that people here have radically different beliefs on a number of things that are closely held. Even among the mod crew, it's different.

Our only directive is to maintain a modicum of focus and a heap of decorum without being obnoxious.

Some folks want to fight and frankly I don't think anyone wants that here.

I want to talk beer and not my leftist commie pinko atheistic beliefs in comparison to your not so leftist commie pinko atheistic beliefs. I'm not here  looking for an echo chamber or a fight over anything other than beer.

In reality it boils down to this - the second a thread heads towards people being less than kind - the thread goes - the people stay. The only people who go are the people who want to fight that idea. Hell, we give those people tons of opportunities too.
If you ever decide to visit the world famous Carlsbad Caverns, let me know.  After the tour we'll sit under a shade tree and discuss our mutual pinko leftist atheist communistic leanings.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: bluesman on August 13, 2011, 12:25:30 AM
My favorite trio.  ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBuVPOBHZzs&feature=youtube_gdata_player



Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 13, 2011, 01:10:30 AM
My favorite trio.  ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBuVPOBHZzs&feature=youtube_gdata_player


Da Boyz! 

I think that's the colorized version though.  It's always been in B&W when I watched before.

Panther Pilsner!  nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 13, 2011, 01:16:34 AM
I appreciate the way things are handled here. Things are pretty loose until they hit the "cringe" factor.

Discuss beer things in the beer forum, discuss pub things in the pub forum just like in a real pub, just cut out the lights and lock the doors before the fights start.

 BTW...this is a bad time to buy gold.

How about a used car?   ::)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tubercle on August 13, 2011, 01:33:46 AM
I appreciate the way things are handled here. Things are pretty loose until they hit the "cringe" factor.

Discuss beer things in the beer forum, discuss pub things in the pub forum just like in a real pub, just cut out the lights and lock the doors before the fights start.

 BTW...this is a bad time to buy gold.

How about a used car?   ::)

 that's all I have ever owned. Pay as you go.... ;)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tubercle on August 13, 2011, 01:38:19 AM
 After the tour we'll sit under a shade tree and discuss our mutual pinko leftist atheist communistic leanings.

 Comment deleted.

I hope some of ya'll read it first!!!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: euge on August 13, 2011, 01:39:07 AM
Regarding the subject: troubles probably won't start till next year. :-\ The nation is politically charged currently and it's creeping into the forum. Right now every-thing's cool but the mods will be working overtime in 2012. Beer.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 13, 2011, 01:39:34 AM
I appreciate the way things are handled here. Things are pretty loose until they hit the "cringe" factor.

Discuss beer things in the beer forum, discuss pub things in the pub forum just like in a real pub, just cut out the lights and lock the doors before the fights start.

 BTW...this is a bad time to buy gold.

How about a used car?   ::)

 that's all I have ever owned. Pay as you go.... ;)

Roger that!  Let someone else eat the drive-off depreciation.  You pay through the nose for that New Car Smell!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 13, 2011, 01:41:08 AM
Regarding the subject: troubles probably won't start till next year. :-\ The nation is politically charged currently and it's creeping into the forum. Right now every-thing's cool but the mods will be working overtime in 2012. Beer.

Equal time please! 

Right Left now every-thing's cool but the mods will be working overtime in 2012. Beer   ;D
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: rbclay on August 13, 2011, 01:45:31 AM
Jack Elam. I know you were wondering. That's the actor in the last pic posted above. Love that guy.
and beer...
and this forum.
Yes, endlessly amusing. And often educational. Great combo...
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 13, 2011, 01:48:47 AM
 After the tour we'll sit under a shade tree and discuss our mutual pinko leftist atheist communistic leanings.

 Comment deleted.

I hope some of ya'll read it first!!!

Chicken  (yes I did read it.  no biggie - comrade  ;)  )
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tubercle on August 13, 2011, 01:54:21 AM
 After the tour we'll sit under a shade tree and discuss our mutual pinko leftist atheist communistic leanings.

 Comment deleted.

I hope some of ya'll read it first!!!

Chicken  (yes I did read it.  no biggie - comrade  ;)  )


 Not chicken by no means. But I figured it was a locker for sure. Didn't want to spoil the thread for everyone else.

 Hint: It explained that Tubercle was as far from being a pinko leftist atheist commie as you can get in response to corkybstuart and dbeechum's postings
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: corkybstewart on August 13, 2011, 02:02:01 AM
 After the tour we'll sit under a shade tree and discuss our mutual pinko leftist atheist communistic leanings.

 Comment deleted.

I hope some of ya'll read it first!!!
I step out of the house to organize some underemployed foreign workers and I miss a relevant post >:(
Chicken  (yes I did read it.  no biggie - comrade  ;)  )


 Not chicken by no means. But I figured it was a locker for sure. Didn't want to spoil the thread for everyone else.

 Hint: It explained that Tubercle was as far from being a pinko leftist atheist commie as you can get in response to corkybstuart and dbeechum's postings

Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: fatdogale on August 13, 2011, 02:26:34 AM
When I think crazy eyes, I think of only one person.

(http://content6.flixster.com/photo/43/44/30/4344308_gal.jpg)

I saw the subject title Crazy Eyes, and Loggins and Messina started playing in my head...this has the potential for a great twisted tune.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 13, 2011, 03:12:23 AM
I was hoping that this thread would lead to people putting up corny jokes:

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"   ::)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: MrNate on August 13, 2011, 04:05:19 AM
My girlfriend's* daughter is named Alice. I've been trying to teach her to say "To the moon!" when I say, "One of these days, Alice!"




* Yeah, that happened... Don't judge me.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: dbeechum on August 13, 2011, 04:30:37 AM
I'm not looking for a fight or trying to argue, just looking for consistency... which is crazy cause the only thing consistent on the internet is inconsistency...

The rule of thumb we've been using is to trust to the better angels of everyone's natures. Of course the internet puts truth to the Chamberlain idiom of man being a killer angel. :)

And a corny joke...

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over the bay, it'd be a bagel.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: BrewingRover on August 13, 2011, 01:00:30 PM
I was hoping that this thread would lead to people putting up corny jokes:

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the horse and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"   ::)

Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type."
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: majorvices on August 13, 2011, 01:21:02 PM
whats endlessly amusing to me is how some threads get shut down right away and some get to live for a while... all while bending/breaking the same rules... not exactly sure why so many restrictions or lack of consistency in the mods...

To be fair, I'm usually the one with the light trigger finger on locking political threads. I would have locked it right away, but I was on the road all day yesterday.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: rabid_dingo on August 14, 2011, 06:44:14 PM
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders
and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this
bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders.

The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"

The string says "Yeah."

The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 14, 2011, 07:15:52 PM
What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor!

Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: hopfenundmalz on August 14, 2011, 07:42:37 PM
This was told by a friend.

A superconductor walks into a bar.

The bartender says - "We don't serve your types here."

The superconductor leaves without resistance.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tubercle on August 14, 2011, 07:49:23 PM
Two ions are walking down the street

One says "I think I've lost an electron"

The other one "Are you sure"?

The first one"Yes, I'm positive".
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 14, 2011, 08:00:44 PM
Did you hear about the ant that could not speak?

It was a mute ant.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: bonjour on August 15, 2011, 01:27:25 PM
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?






DAM!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weithman5 on August 15, 2011, 01:55:11 PM
buddy of mine was taking up golf. ( i abhore it) and was playing poorly.  asked the caddy what he thought was wrong.  the caddy replied  "there's some dog s*** on the end of the club"  my friend looked down at the club head and the caddy said "no, i meant the other end"
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: theDarkSide on August 15, 2011, 02:19:18 PM
Did everyone hear?  PERRY HAS ENTERED THE RACE!!!

(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTyreI3rhdOQwg4wrErubmSkTcUI6uh3d3yJlrCjG3IB4Bk0V3e)

They don't do much you know.

 :D
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: James Lorden on August 15, 2011, 02:19:31 PM
Husband is drinking his homebrew with his wife and says, I love you and I don't know how I'd get through my day without you.  Wife says "is that you talking, or the homebrew" husband says "it's me talking...to the homebrew".
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weithman5 on August 15, 2011, 02:33:29 PM
so i saw this guy throwing a brick in to the air. it would come back down then he would throw it up again.  i asked him what he was doing. he replied that he was hoping to get it to go high enough it would not come back down.  so i watched him a bit.  after about 5 minutes the brick never came back down
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: MrNate on August 15, 2011, 03:15:52 PM
Did everyone hear?  PERRY HAS ENTERED THE RACE!!!

(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTyreI3rhdOQwg4wrErubmSkTcUI6uh3d3yJlrCjG3IB4Bk0V3e)

They don't do much you know.

 :D

That platypus cracks me up.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weithman5 on August 15, 2011, 03:58:15 PM
so i saw this guy throwing a brick in to the air. it would come back down then he would throw it up again.  i asked him what he was doing. he replied that he was hoping to get it to go high enough it would not come back down.  so i watched him a bit.  after about 5 minutes the brick never came back down

okay maybe you'll like this one.
i was flying on one of those old prop jet airplanes once.  small flight, thought i could get away with a cigar.  well this old hag with a small dog said my smoke was bothering her dog.  she complained and the attendant threw my smoke out on to the wing. so being the angry man i am i threw her dog out on the wing.  few minutes later i looked out and saw her dog sitting on the wing. you know what was in his mouth? no not the cigar, he had the brick. 
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: denny on August 15, 2011, 04:03:50 PM
so i saw this guy throwing a brick in to the air. it would come back down then he would throw it up again.  i asked him what he was doing. he replied that he was hoping to get it to go high enough it would not come back down.  so i watched him a bit.  after about 5 minutes the brick never came back down

okay maybe you'll like this one.
i was flying on one of those old prop jet airplanes once.  small flight, thought i could get away with a cigar.  well this old hag with a small dog said my smoke was bothering her dog.  she complained and the attendant threw my smoke out on to the wing. so being the angry man i am i threw her dog out on the wing.  few minutes later i looked out and saw her dog sitting on the wing. you know what was in his mouth? no not the cigar, he had the brick. 

Is that from Groucho Marx?  Sure sounds like him!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: MrNate on August 15, 2011, 04:35:50 PM
so i saw this guy throwing a brick in to the air. it would come back down then he would throw it up again.  i asked him what he was doing. he replied that he was hoping to get it to go high enough it would not come back down.  so i watched him a bit.  after about 5 minutes the brick never came back down

okay maybe you'll like this one.
i was flying on one of those old prop jet airplanes once.  small flight, thought i could get away with a cigar.  well this old hag with a small dog said my smoke was bothering her dog.  she complained and the attendant threw my smoke out on to the wing. so being the angry man i am i threw her dog out on the wing.  few minutes later i looked out and saw her dog sitting on the wing. you know what was in his mouth? no not the cigar, he had the brick. 

Is that from Groucho Marx?  Sure sounds like him!

I know I heard it a long time ago, but I can't place it either.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weithman5 on August 15, 2011, 05:09:08 PM
probably, does sound like that type of humor, but i couldn't tell you where it came from. been in the back of my feeble brain for at least 6-8 years
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tschmidlin on August 15, 2011, 05:11:47 PM
Hmmm.  I figured the guy was throwing it up to another guy on a roof, building a chimney or something.  Oh well.

I'll spare you my jokes, I am having trouble thinking of any that don't violate forum rules. ;D
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: linenoiz on August 15, 2011, 06:04:41 PM
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin looks over at the other and asks "Is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin responds "Holy s@#!, a talking muffin!"
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: maxieboy on August 16, 2011, 12:38:22 AM
Husband is drinking his homebrew with his wife and says, I love you and I don't know how I'd get through my day without you.  Wife says "is that you talking, or the homebrew" husband says "it's me talking...to the homebrew".

I LOLed. LOVE it!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: capozzoli on August 16, 2011, 01:47:15 AM
A young boy was out by the docks when he spotted a haggard old fisherman. The fisherman was hobbling along on his wooden leg, his left eye working extra hard to see because he had a patch over his missing right eye.  The boy noticed that he also had a metal hook for a hand.

The boy asks: "Hey mister, what happened to your leg?"

The  fisherman replied: "Well  laddy, one stormy summer day out on the 10 foot swells we were reeling in and emptying nets of cod when out popped a 12 foot shark. The shark lunged for me and before I could escape he bit off me leg."

The Boy: "How did you get your hook hand?"

The Fisherman: Years ago out in the gulf we were trying to drop anchor, I was trying to break the chain free, my hand got stuck. When the anchor broke free and dropped, it took my hand with it. 

The Boy: "How did you loose your eye?"

The Fisherman: "I was up in the crows nest one day trying to spot schools of fish when all of the sudden a seagull pooped in me eye."

The Boy: "Poop cant make you loose your eye!"

The fisherman: "True, but it was the first day with my new hook hand"
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: akr71 on August 18, 2011, 10:36:02 AM
How do you get down off an elephant?





You don't, you get down off of a duck.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: MrNate on August 18, 2011, 01:10:43 PM
http://www.facebook.com/v/1489210206645
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: Slowbrew on August 18, 2011, 02:20:38 PM
Two priests would go fishing every Monday to unwind from the weekend.  One day their bishop asked if he could tag along for the day.  The priests decided it would be okay.  They met at the lake on Monday morning, loaded the boat and headed out to their favorite spot.  As the day went on each priest caught a keeper or two but the bishop wasn't having any luck.  One of the priests announced he needed to go the bathroom, stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked above the water to the shore.  The bishop was shocked and then amazed by the event. 

When the first priest returned to the boat, the other priest decided it was a good idea and he too stood, stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore.  The bishop was at a loss for words.  After a time the second priest returned and the bishop, not wanting to shown up by his subordinates, announced he also needed the facilities.  He stood, stepped out of the boat and immediately fell in lake and had to swim to the shoreline.

The priests looked at each other and said "I guess we should have told him about the rocks."

8^)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 18, 2011, 03:11:45 PM
What's the best way to catch a fish?

Have someone throw it to you!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 21, 2011, 12:05:07 AM
Two cannibals were sitting in a bar having a beer.  One cannibal says,
"So what's new with you?'
The other cannibal says, "We had a big feast last night.  We caught a couple of missionaries."
"Hey, that's sounds pretty good.  How were they?"
"Not as good as we thought they would be, a bit tough and chewy."
"How did you cook them?"
"We boiled em up into stew."
"Well that's the problem, you shouldn't have done that.  They were friars."
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: woadwarrior on August 21, 2011, 02:05:10 AM
I generally consider myself a comodian. All my jokes are crappy, and I get flushed with pride when I tell them. I'm just a punny guy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkD-kxZEQ6E&feature=related
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: rabid_dingo on August 21, 2011, 06:23:05 AM
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the F...ing putt!!!"
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: Slowbrew on August 22, 2011, 04:22:32 PM
What do you call a broken arm on an Italian?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A speech impediment.

I was told this by an Italian guy last evening.

Paul
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: ryang on August 22, 2011, 07:59:33 PM
^^ Good one.


Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead".
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 22, 2011, 08:05:45 PM
Knock Knock

Who's there?

interupting cow

Inter....

MOOOO
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tubercle on August 22, 2011, 10:16:34 PM
What's an Irish 7 course meal?


 A 'tater and a sixpack.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 22, 2011, 10:24:11 PM
A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, "Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo." "How do you know I'm not?" asks the other penguin.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: woadwarrior on August 22, 2011, 10:32:47 PM
What's an Irish 7 course meal?


 A 'tater and a sixpack.

And for dessert, a wee dram o whiskey.  :)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: denny on August 23, 2011, 03:26:38 PM
A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, "Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo." "How do you know I'm not?" asks the other penguin.

Garrison Keillor's favorite joke!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 23, 2011, 04:24:17 PM
A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, "Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo." "How do you know I'm not?" asks the other penguin.

Garrison Keillor's favorite joke!

yup. also my wife's
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 23, 2011, 04:57:40 PM
The two muffins sitting in an oven joke is my favorite so far.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weithman5 on August 23, 2011, 05:14:05 PM
The two muffins sitting in an oven joke is my favorite so far.

agreed. 
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 23, 2011, 05:42:47 PM
Muffin one was excellent indeed. 

a few more:

"I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out"

"I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself... only taller"

and finally;

"I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?"

Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: jeffy on August 23, 2011, 06:18:27 PM
Muffin one was excellent indeed. 

a few more:

"I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out"

"I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself... only taller"

and finally;

"I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?"



Those sound like Steven Wright.
He was going to make wine, only pre-age it by using raisins.
He lived on a one way dead end street, but doesn't know how he got there.
He had to put tape on all the mirrors in his house so he wouldn't accidentally crash through into another dimension.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 23, 2011, 06:34:34 PM
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: Slowbrew on August 23, 2011, 06:40:12 PM
One of my oldest daughter's favorite jokes.

What do you call a soprano who can't read music?

An alto.

----------

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They just declare darkness a standard.


Paul
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: glastctbrew on August 23, 2011, 06:42:22 PM

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"


I literally lol'd and my coworker in the next office asked what's so funny?  This one surpassed the muffin one in my book.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: akr71 on August 23, 2011, 06:43:24 PM
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.


The sailor/seagull was my fav so far
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 23, 2011, 08:17:27 PM
Muffin one was excellent indeed. 

a few more:

"I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out"

"I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself... only taller"

and finally;

"I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?"



Those sound like Steven Wright.
He was going to make wine, only pre-age it by using raisins.
He lived on a one way dead end street, but doesn't know how he got there.
He had to put tape on all the mirrors in his house so he wouldn't accidentally crash through into another dimension.


Yup. I think the longest bit I ever heard him do was;

The other day I was going home and before I realized what I was doing I stuck my car key in the door lock. So I started  it up and started driving down the street. A little while later a cop pulled me over and said "where do you live". I looked at him and said "right here".
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: weazletoe on August 23, 2011, 08:22:14 PM
If Lama spelled with one "L" is a great spiritual leader, and Llama spelled with two "L's" is a furry pack mammal, what is a three ell lama?


   A really big a$$ fire!
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: Slowbrew on August 23, 2011, 09:46:13 PM
With more input from my kids...

Before you go into the bathroom you're an American.
When you come back out of the bathroom you're an American.

What are you while you're in the bathroom?

You're a peeing.

 8)

Paul
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: Slowbrew on August 23, 2011, 09:51:39 PM
For all the bad jokes you can stand you should listen to the Prairie Home Companion Annual Joke Show (2011):

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/www_publicradio/tools/media_player/popup.php?name=phc/2011/01/22/phc_20110122_64

Paul
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: jaybeerman on August 24, 2011, 04:16:03 AM
many thanks for the fantastic thread.  thoroughly enjoyed the "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"  along with the muffin joke...speaking of which

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcm7uJ74XFI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcm7uJ74XFI)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tonyp on August 24, 2011, 05:11:27 AM
With more input from my kids...

Before you go into the bathroom you're an American.
When you come back out of the bathroom you're an American.

What are you while you're in the bathroom?

You're a peeing.

 8)

Paul

on your way to the bathroom, when you really have to go, you're russian
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tonyp on August 24, 2011, 05:14:46 AM
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: tonyp on August 24, 2011, 05:21:12 AM
My girlfriend's* daughter is named Alice. I've been trying to teach her to say "To the moon!" when I say, "One of these days, Alice!"




* Yeah, that happened... Don't judge me.

thought you might appreciate this (i'm a huge honeymooners fan)

(http://tpittari.com/imgs/alice.jpg)
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: morticaixavier on August 24, 2011, 05:38:56 AM
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

He didn't like her apartment so he knocker her flat
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: punatic on August 24, 2011, 06:25:24 AM
A father tucks his young son into bed, kisses him on the forehead, turns out the light and says goodnight.

Sitting watching a ballgame on TV in the living room the father hears from the bedroom, "Daddy can I have a glass of water?"
"No, if you drink water now you'll wet the bed tonight.  Go to sleep now son."

A few minutes later, "Daddy, may I please have a glass of water?'
"No you may not, now go to sleep!"

A few minutes later, "Daddy may I pleeease have a glass of water?"
"No!  And if I hear another word out of you tonight you're gonna get a spanking!"

A few minutes later, "Daddy, when you come in here to give me a spanking would you bring me a glass of water?"
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: MrNate on August 24, 2011, 03:11:44 PM
My girlfriend's* daughter is named Alice. I've been trying to teach her to say "To the moon!" when I say, "One of these days, Alice!"




* Yeah, that happened... Don't judge me.

thought you might appreciate this (i'm a huge honeymooners fan)

(http://tpittari.com/imgs/alice.jpg)

Ha! Awesome! That should've been the plot of Apollo 18  ;D
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: linenoiz on August 24, 2011, 06:42:30 PM
Two men walk into a bar; the third one ducked.


An old grizzled pirate walks into a bar. Sticking out of his pants is a pirate ship's helm. The bartender says "Hey, you got a helm sticking out of your pants!" The pirate responds "Yarr, it's driving me nuts."
Title: Re: Endlessly Amusing
Post by: jaybeerman on August 31, 2011, 04:34:48 AM
(http://i1177.photobucket.com/albums/x346/jaybeerman/scan0001.jpg)

I always thought this one was funny.  cheers, j