There are lots of other lager styles out there if you don't like the yellow stuff. Maerzen, bock, dopplebock, schwarzbier, etc. Try a couple before you rule them all out entirely.
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Why imitate when you can innovate?
I mash 3-gallon BIAB batches in a 5-gallon beverage cooler, and boil in my 5-gallon kettle. Fermcap is required to prevent boilovers, but otherwise it is quite manageable.
I can actually do that (I have a 5-gallon cooler I stopped using when I got a 9-gallon Coleman Xtreme) but I'm curious what I'm getting from this procedure that I don't get from my setup and process, aside from upper-arm exercise. I went no-sparge a few batches back and haven't looked back. So BIAB would be the difference between lifting a bag out of a cooler and transferring the cooler's contents into a kettle, versus opening a ball valve and draining into a kettle (I often do push the boundaries and boil 4 gallons in a 5-gal kettle using Fermcap). The bag won't magically transport its contents to the compost bin, so it needs to go somewhere, and that somewhere will need cleaning as well.
Well, I gave it 30 hours and then pitched the 860 which took off in 6 hours and is now done. You were all wrong.....