« on: August 13, 2010, 09:57:38 AM »
Some might have seen this before:
You KNOW You're A Homebrewer If ...
1. You take a personal day off from work to brew on a Wednesday to have an adequate yeast starter for the 1.100 Specific Gravity Belgian being brewed on Saturday.
2. You refuse to pay $8.00 for a beer in a restaurant because you can make 5 gallons for that much.
3. You scan the Belgian Ales at checkout yourself so the clerk won't disturb the yeast sediment.
4. You live in a small one bedroom apartment, and you have two refrigerators.
5. You wonder what everything would taste like if mashed, boiled and fermented.
6. Your computer passwords are all related to beer.
7. You make hummingbird food by boiling the sugar water for 1 hour and then sanitize the feeder with Iodophor.
8. Your house doesn't have air conditioning, but your beer room does.
9. Your pet rabbit will only eat crushed German pilsner malt.
10. "Pick up CO2" is on your shopping list.
11. You see the acronym R.D.W.H.A.H.B. and know what it means. *
12. You get all your exercise from moving carboys.
13. You take your wife out to garage sales in hopes of finding brew gear.
14. You hate to wash the family dishes, but think nothing about standing over a sink for hours cleaning empty bottles.
15. You have used a bottle opener on a twist-off cap.
16. Your wife starts buying two of every kitchen utensil so she doesn't have to search the brewery when it's time to cook.
17. You ask the guy at the hardware store if something is "food grade".
18. You've ever spent the afternoon in a hardware store staring into space, trying to improve your wort chiller/fluid transfer.
19. You pre-heat your thermos cup to have a thermal mass of zero.
20. A "beer run" is now classified as a 3 hour escapade at the local homebrew shop.
21. You have ever parked your car in the rain to keep your beer out of it.
22. You have never taken a microbiology course but you know all about Saccharomyces cerevisiae and Saccharomyces carlsbergensis.
23. You measure purchases with how many batches of homebrew you could have brewed.
24. Your children believe that Santa Claus would rather have a glass of homebrew than milk.
25. You worry about channeling when you "sparge" your coffee.
26. You asked your phone company if they have a phone number ending in 1056.
27. You can estimate hair color in degrees Lovibond.
28. You have a separate email folder for homebrew.
29. You can name at least 10 different varieties of hops, but can't name 10 Congressmen.
30. You understand how water chemistry and pH affect the mash, but barely passed high school chemistry.
31. Your wife left you for someone who doesn't brew.
32. You have your local homebrew supply shop on speed-dial right above 911.
33. You own a stock-pot big enough to bathe in.
34. You have more varieties of beer on tap than your local bar does.
35. You take two fermentors with you shopping for refrigerators.
36. A smelly, moldy, disgusting college-dorm fridge is a gift from the gods.
37. You tackle your wife in the kitchen before she sneezes.
38. You have moved clothes out of your closet to make room for more fermentors.
39. Your child's science project is on fermentation.
40. You've ever got up to check an airlock in the middle of the night.
41. You have more refrigerators for beer than you do for food.
42. Going to a brewfest is part of your honeymoon.
43. You plan your family vacations by which breweries you can visit.
44. You and the local bottle-grannies have come to an accord over collection zoning.
45. You have more airlocks than the International Space Station.
46. You've tasted the finest commercial beer and said, "I can do better."
47. You have more kegs than your average fraternity.
48. Staring at a bubbling airlock is more exciting than the Superbowl.
49. You pour your coffee carefully to avoid hot side aeration.
50. You bring a 3-gallon corny to a cook-out with its own neoprene jacket.
51. You've kept a log of the temperature in your basement for the past 5 years.
52. The presence of a basement was a major factor in the selection of your new home.
53. You have room in your fridge for 7 different types of beer, 6 packages of hops, 4 vials of yeast, and two cans of rice syrup, but no room for milk for the kids.
54. You schedule your lunch break around trips to the homebrew store.
55. You start asking questions about other people's worts.
56. Your 5 acre yard is completely mulched with spent grains.
57. You have multiple propane tanks but only use charcoal grills.
58. You own more stainless steel than your local hospital.
59. You get up in the middle of the night to dry hop.
60. You plan your days off around when the homebrew supply store is open.
61. You have 45 gallons of bottled beer in the basement and wonder if you should double the batch you are brewing on Saturday.
62. Your basement looks like the set of a 1930's horror movie.
63. Your 5 gallon propane bottle has never been connected to a barbecue.
64. You don't brew much until your wife leaves town for the weekend, then you brew 30 gallons.
65. You have more than two refrigerators.
66. You have bottles of bleach and no white clothes.
67. You hear someone say "sock hop" and you think they're dyslexic.
68. Your neighbors think you started a bottle recycling center.
69. You use old, leftover hops as potpourri.
70. You've got more cooking utensils and gadgets than your spouse does.
71. You return from New Year's Eve parties with a trunk full of empty champagne bottles.
72. You always make sure to take the truck, rather than the car, to the brew supply store.
73. You name your new puppy "Fuggles" or "Growler".
74. You send a holiday card to the owner of your brew supply store.
75. Your house smells like a brewery.
76. You buy more pantyhose than your wife (...for hops!)
77. You kidnap the family thermometer to test the temperature of the wort.
78. You hear the term 'malted milk' you think they are talking about a stout.
79. You've ever bought a case of beer saying, "I paid for the bottles, the beer comes with them for free."
80. You've ever had 6 or more cases of EMPTY beer bottles in your house before you had a party, not after.
81. You've raided the Boy Scout bottle collection/recycling for old bottles.
82. You've ever left your local soda bottling company with your trunk and back seat full of 5 gallon Cornelius kegs.
83. You give clothes to Goodwill just to get more room in your closet for beer and equipment.
84. Someone says they've had a yeast infection and you ask what they were brewing at the time.
85. You get crown seals and hop bags for Christmas presents.
86. You've ever bought returnable beer bottles with no intention of EVER returning them.
87. You're surfing the 'Net at 3:40 am looking for homebrew websites or recipes.
88. You cancel a date because your wort hasn't reached pitching temperature yet.
89. You can't remember that last time you popped open a flip-top beer can.
90. You think the term pitch has nothing to do with baseball.
91. Your cupboards have more brewing items and bottles than they do food and plates.
92. You don't think that 10 gallons of beer is a lot.
93. You've ever cut a hole in a refrigerator.
94. Walking across the kitchen floor sounds like Velcro.
95. You've ever asked the question, "By weight or volume?"
96. You own a sterile trash can.
97. You've ever tried to improve a Budweiser by stirring in a hop pellet.
98. You've ever mopped the ceiling.
99. Your linen closet has 3 fermentors in it.
100. You know how to pronounce Hallertau Mittlefruh.
101. Your 10 year old son comments on the head retention of his Root Beer.
102. You are entertained by watching a carboy of fermenting beer.
103. You own the biggest pot in the house (even counting your wife) and no one else is allowed to touch it.
104. You spend more time worrying about a newly brewed batch of beer than work/school/money.
105. There appears to be rabbit food in your freezer.
106. You take longer to order your beer than your meal when you go to a restaurant.
107. Your five year old son comments on the clarity of his apple juice while holding his glass up to the light.
108. You have more refrigerators/freezers than you have TV's.
109. Your pint beer glasses are cleaner than any other glass in the house.
110. Any large container suddenly appears appropriate to use in brewing.
111. Your neighbors spread a rumor of you being a witch because they saw you outside sprinkling "green stuff" it to a huge steaming kettle while stirring it with a giant wooden spoon, grinning wildly and muttering strange, unintelligible words.
112. You walk around Home Depot and you can think how to use most everything as brewing equipment.
113. You have more styles of beer available at home than most bars.
114. You get constant use out of your turkey fryer and have never fried a turkey in your life.
115. You fantasize about making hop scented little tree car air-fresheners.
116. You take "airlock hits" to get huge whiffs of your fermentation.
117. You call in to work "brewing".
118. You know that a Hopback is a piece of brewing equipment and not a bodily action.
119. You think it's cool to taste assorted homebrews from 4 oz glasses.
120. "Pitching" hasn't a thing to do with sports.
121. You think an active fermentation full of moving proteins is a thing of beauty.
122. You buy a chest freezer with no intention of putting food in it.
123. Your work friends ask, "What's brewing?"
124. You wake up in the middle of the night to tweak your hop/grain bill according to how the brewing went in your dream.
125. You frequent home improvement stores with no intention of actually improving your home.
126. At home improvement stores, you find your opening line to the employees almost always begins with "OK, this is gonna sound a little weird, but I need......"
127. Your basement/garage/kitchen has a name...... (fill in the blank) Brewery.
128. Your wife calls you at work to tell you your airlock is bubbling away because she knows you were worried about your fermentation lag time that morning.
129. You can be mesmerized for an hour watching a twirling sparge arm.
130. You have a section on the bookshelf devoted to beer books.
131. You can name all the types of hops and yeast, but can't name all 50 states.
132. An exciting weekend involves things like mashing and racking.
133. You pick your nose and pull out a hop leaf..... and aren't fazed.
134. You can seriously use the word "bunghole" in a sentence without laughing.
135. Your beer gets its own room.
136. You smell your beer before drinking it.
137. You frequent Lowe's so often the employees begin talking about you ("Look, there's that guy again!")
138. You inform your wife she can no longer park her car in the garage since the space needs to be devoted to the brewery.
139. In May you already know what kind of beer you'll be serving at Christmas.
140. Your co-workers call you "the Brewmeister".