Author Topic: AHA joke thread  (Read 19093 times)

Offline captain_sousie

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #120 on: March 12, 2012, 11:48:32 PM »
Did you hear about the dehydrated Frenchman Pierre?
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Offline weithman5

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #121 on: March 13, 2012, 08:52:50 PM »
dean's pecker comment (in the droid thread) reminded me of this.

so i walked in to this bar where a guy had a horse up on the stage. next to him was a sign that said free beer for the bar tonight if anyone can make my horse laugh.

so i walked up and whispered in his ear and the horse starts laughing.  we all got free beer for the night.

the next week i go back and the same horse was there with a new sign.  free beer for life if you can make my horse cry.

so i walked up and whispered in the horse's ear and showed him something and the horse starts crying.

the owner asks me how i did.  well the first time i whispered that my pecker was bigger than his.  the second time i proved it.
Don AHA member

Offline Bret

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #122 on: March 14, 2012, 06:56:19 PM »
Q: Why did the blond have bruises around her belly button?
A: Blond guys are dumb too.

Q: Why did the lollypop cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken.

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Offline loopy

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #123 on: March 14, 2012, 07:01:26 PM »
Science Experiment . .

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Offline loopy

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #124 on: March 14, 2012, 07:02:40 PM »
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
 two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
 his driver to stop so that he could investigate. The lawyer got
 out of his limousine and asked one of the men, "Why are you
 eating grass?"

 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man answered. "We
 have to eat grass."

 "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
 lawyer said.

 The poor man replied, "But sir, I have a wife and two children
 with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
 man he said to him, "You can come with us also."

 The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also
 have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 "No problem, bring them all as well!" the lawyer answered. They
 all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
 large as the limousine was.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
 said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
 with you."

 The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place
 - the grass is almost a foot high!"

Offline loopy

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #125 on: March 14, 2012, 07:12:42 PM »

Offline Slowbrew

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #126 on: March 14, 2012, 07:49:17 PM »
A man was out flying in his hot air balloon and an unexpected storm came in.  The winds were very strong and their was no way to land the craft so he was forced to ride it out. 

Once the storm was past and the man had his balloon under control again he needed to find out where he was.  He spied a man standing in a clearing and descended close enough to ask where he was.  When he got close enough he yelled to the man and asked where he was?  The man replied "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 100 feet off the ground. 

The man in the balloon thanked the man on the ground for his help and asked if he was a Microsoft Systems Engineer?  The man on the ground was astounded and replied "why yes, yes I am.  How did you know?"  The man in the balloon yelled back "because I asked you a simple question you gave an accurate and exacting answer that didn't help me at all".


Sorry, old sys admin jokes.  Paul
Where the heck are we going?  And what's with this hand basket?

Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #127 on: March 14, 2012, 08:14:33 PM »
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Offline pinnah

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #128 on: March 14, 2012, 09:15:34 PM »
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Pretty sure it belongs in the Meaningless Thread.




.....again, I got nothin. ;D


Offline Slowbrew

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #129 on: March 14, 2012, 09:25:33 PM »
Cowboy And The Genie
 
 
A cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.  His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
 
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
 
"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work ....You have three wishes."
 
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy.  "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."
 
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
 
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"
 
***POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
 
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
 
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
 
***POOF***
 
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
 
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
 
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, I will be surrounded by beautiful women who will want and need me."
 
***POOF***
 
He was turned into a tampon.
 
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
Where the heck are we going?  And what's with this hand basket?

Offline morticaixavier

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #130 on: March 14, 2012, 09:38:54 PM »
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Pretty sure it belongs in the Meaningless Thread.




.....again, I got nothin. ;D

The problem with that picture is that they don't look that much alike beyond both being black and both having mustaches.
"Creativity is the residue of wasted time"
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Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #131 on: March 14, 2012, 09:42:06 PM »
That rapist picture is hilarious and I'm guessing it's real.

Pretty sure it belongs in the Meaningless Thread.




.....again, I got nothin. ;D

The problem with that picture is that they don't look that much alike beyond both being black and both having mustaches.


If I saw that sketch and then that guy on the street, I'd report him. There are a lot more similarities than just skin color and facial hair.

Offline Slowbrew

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #132 on: March 14, 2012, 09:42:25 PM »
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid.
 
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.
 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what
you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet,
then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
 
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
No response.
 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Still no response.
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Again he gets no response.
 
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
 
Again there is no response.
 
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
(I just love this)
 
"Ralph, for the *FIFTH* damn time, CHICKEN!"

________________

Okay, I'm done.

Paul
Where the heck are we going?  And what's with this hand basket?

Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #133 on: March 16, 2012, 11:31:37 AM »
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You crapped the bed!"

Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #134 on: March 16, 2012, 11:43:59 AM »

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and they order the 'Chicken
Surprise'.  The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the Lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.  He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waitress over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waitress, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waitress , 'I bring you Peking Duck.'