Author Topic: AHA joke thread  (Read 14445 times)

Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #30 on: March 08, 2012, 04:12:43 PM »
My family enjoys corny humor, word-play. bathroom humor and the like.  My wife and I both grew up in households were there were tons of puns...  It's a genetic kine ting.

This afternoon my 11 year old son and I were enjoying an after-school frozen float at the local drive-in; you know a scoop of ice cream in Pepsi Icee.  My son usually gets about 2/3 of the way through his and has to excuse himself to go to the restroom.

Today after the bathroom break he returns to the booth looking thoughtful, "You know Dad, I think those frozen floats are made with rocket fuel."

"Really, how so?"

"Every time I eat one I have an I.C.B.M."  (icey BM)

That's my boy!

When you can't find anyone intelligent to quote, quote yourself. :D

Offline punatic

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #31 on: March 08, 2012, 04:20:41 PM »
Thanks Ray.
There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.


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Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #32 on: March 08, 2012, 04:38:54 PM »

Offline hopfenundmalz

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #33 on: March 08, 2012, 06:04:23 PM »
This is one of my brothers favorites. You can tell he has had too much to drink when he tells this.

Guy opens the door to a barber shop and says "Bob Cox here?"

The barber says "No, we just cut hair."

When beer comes out my brother's nose after that, you know he has had way too much to drink.

Sorry for the lame joke.
Jeff Rankert
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Offline dak0415

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #34 on: March 08, 2012, 06:52:40 PM »
As seen on a St. Patrick's Day T-Shirt in Savanna, GA.

"An Irishman walks out of a bar."
Dave Koenig
Anything worth doing - is worth overdoing!

Offline dak0415

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #35 on: March 08, 2012, 06:53:23 PM »
"No, really!  It could happen!"
Dave Koenig
Anything worth doing - is worth overdoing!

Offline bo

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #36 on: March 08, 2012, 08:25:08 PM »
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?

"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Offline loopy

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #37 on: March 08, 2012, 10:32:57 PM »
I finally got around to going fishing last weekend but after a while I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Offline loopy

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #38 on: March 08, 2012, 10:35:56 PM »
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,'  she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking..

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can
hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE  NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

Offline loopy

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #39 on: March 08, 2012, 10:45:18 PM »
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  Then I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. 

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
 
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

Offline weazletoe

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #40 on: March 09, 2012, 12:18:38 AM »
That was about the funniest joke I ever heard, Loopy. This thread should be closed now, and I never want to a another joke again.
A man works hard all week, so he doesn't have to wear pants all weekend.

Offline punatic

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #41 on: March 09, 2012, 01:19:22 AM »
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.


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Offline tschmidlin

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #42 on: March 09, 2012, 02:26:13 AM »
how do you catch a unique rabbit?

u nique up on them
How do you catch a tame one?

The tame way
Tom Schmidlin

Offline phillamb168

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #43 on: March 09, 2012, 03:51:47 AM »
A boy came running into his house, breathless, holding a grocery bag. His mother asks him what he has in it, and he says "I got some Nacho cheese!"

His mother says, "how do you know what kind of cheese it is?"

He says, "I stole some and ran out of the store, and as I was running the guy in the store tried to run after me, he kept shouting, Hey! That's nacho cheese!"

(Say it out loud)
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Offline corkybstewart

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Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #44 on: March 09, 2012, 10:38:36 AM »
Boudreaux was out fishing in the bayou when a terrible storm came up suddenly.  He could see it coming but the fish were abiting and he didn't want to give up so soon. 
That night Boudreaux's wife Mary Lou waited and waited but he never showed up so she called his best friend Billy Bob and they went searching.  tTe next afternoon Boudreaux's boat washed up, but there was no Boudreaux in it.  Mary Lou cried and cried, she knew he was dead and she started planning the funeral.  A couple of days later Billy Bob calls Mary Lou:  I got some bad news and some good news.  The bad news is we found Boudreaux's body tangled in some cypress roots south of here.  The good news is there''s enough crabs on him to make a mighty fine funeral gumbo.
I'd really just rather be brewing in sunny Carlsbad New Mexico