[beersk]

So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."

[bo]

So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."

I like that.

[maxieboy]

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says “no”!
 
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”

[maxieboy]

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

 Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

 George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

 Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

[morticaixavier]

a couple weeks after Hamish began working as a shepherd the lack of female companionship began to get to him. He asked the advice of the other shepherds and Collin replies "jest pick a ship and have at m'boy!"

Well it takes Hamish a little while longer to get that desperate but one day he gives in, picks a likely looking sheep and has at. That night as they sit around the camp fire he notices some of the other shepherds looking at him and chuckling. "What?" says Hamish, "Didn't you say to pick a sheep and have at?"

"Of course" replies Collin, "but I did no say y'had to pick an ugly one!"

[loopy]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to
mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in
which to let the pigs mate.The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The
other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.  If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."     

[loopy]

The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[loopy]

"The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

[majorvices]

So, understand where I am coming from. No more political jokes please. PM me if you have any questions as to why.

[weazletoe]

Will do Major. But weiner jokes are still cool, right?

[bo]

I'm trying to see what was political in the last few jokes. I guess I'm just slow.

[dbeechum]

bo, it's the same thing that would run afoul of classic Mark Twain:

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

[boulderbrewer]

Q.  What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A.  About 4 beers

 

He will be here the whole week, please tip your waitress.....

[boulderbrewer]

You guys know me, I 'm a bit of a heavy weight, Here's what happened, I went for the the slim fast deal. Good food for a month! Well bad news that meal plan only lasts for the first day when you are hungry.

[tonyp]

Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.