Author Topic: AHA joke thread  (Read 14593 times)

Offline bo

  • Senior Brewmaster
  • ******
  • Posts: 1141
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #75 on: March 10, 2012, 04:51:01 AM »
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.

+1 LOL

Offline tumarkin

  • Brewmaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 625
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #76 on: March 10, 2012, 05:19:01 AM »
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
 
No, wait... sorry.
       I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does all that s***.
       Never mind



 
 
Mark Tumarkin
Hogtown Brewers
Gainesville, FL

Offline maxieboy

  • Senior Brewmaster
  • ******
  • Posts: 1155
  • Mid MI
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #77 on: March 10, 2012, 05:57:57 AM »
Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

I LOLed.
A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man can gather through a lifetime of handshakes." Gene Hill

[47.7, 310.8] AR

AHA Member

Offline majorvices

  • Global Moderator
  • I must live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 7880
  • Polka. If its too loud you're too young.
    • View Profile
    • Yellowhammer Brewing Company
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #78 on: March 10, 2012, 06:09:05 AM »
I'm trying to see what was political in the last few jokes. I guess I'm just slow.

It's because I deleted it. Unless your eyes can go back in time you won't see it now.
Keith Y.

Vote Jonathan Fuller for Governing Committee!

Offline weazletoe

  • Brewmaster General
  • *******
  • Posts: 2161
  • Mecca, Ohio
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #79 on: March 10, 2012, 08:31:26 AM »
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.

HILARIOUS!!
A man works hard all week, so he doesn't have to wear pants all weekend.

Offline jamminbrew

  • Brewmaster
  • *****
  • Posts: 820
  • theAntipunk
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #80 on: March 10, 2012, 08:47:22 AM »
Two elderly Irishmen, Sean ans Seamus, were at their favorite pub, and discussing their eventual passing. Sean hands Seamus a 100 year old bottle of whiskey, and asks him if he would pour it out upon his grave when he dies. Seamus replies, "Why sure, but do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?"
Member, AHA
Member, Brew Brothers of Pikes Peak
BJCP judge# D1248
In caelo cerivisiae nil, hic igitur bibimus.

Offline punatic

  • Official Poobah of No Life.
  • *
  • Posts: 4583
  • Puna District, Hawaii Island (UTC -10)
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #81 on: March 10, 2012, 10:50:38 AM »
Have you heard of all the problems they are having at Euro-Disney?

Everytime they shoot off the fireworks, France surrenders.

Same problem in Florida:

The military tested a MOAB at Eglin AFB in the Florida panhandle.  16 French tourists at Walt Disney World in Orlando surrendered to Goofy.

(sorry Phil, I couldn't resist)
There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.


AHA Life Member #33907

Offline fatdogale

  • Assistant Brewer
  • ***
  • Posts: 104
  • Lynnwood, WA
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #82 on: March 10, 2012, 12:10:42 PM »
The day after her husband disappeared while out kayaking, a Hoodsport woman answered her door to find two grim-faced Washington State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some information about your husband," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find him?" She shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this morning we found your husband's body in Puget Sound."

"Oh no!" Swallowing hard, she asked, "and What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled him up, he had about 25 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to him, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow."


John Childs

Offline repo

  • Brewer
  • ****
  • Posts: 326
  • San Diego CA
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #83 on: March 10, 2012, 01:01:04 PM »
Why men have better friends.

A woman doesn't come home one night and tells her husband that she stayed over at a friends.
The husband calls 10 of her best friends. They all claimed she hadn't stayed with them.

A man doesn't come home one night and tells his wife that he stayed over at a friends.
The wife calls 10 of his best friends. 8 of them tell her that he stayed over, and 2 of them claimed that he was still there.

Offline punatic

  • Official Poobah of No Life.
  • *
  • Posts: 4583
  • Puna District, Hawaii Island (UTC -10)
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #84 on: March 10, 2012, 01:22:18 PM »
A nurse walks into a bank and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to sign her check with it. She looks up at the teller and says, I think some asshole has my pen.
There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.


AHA Life Member #33907

Offline 1vertical

  • I spend way too much time on the AHA forum
  • ********
  • Posts: 2608
  • Ozone Layer. Actual location
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #85 on: March 10, 2012, 02:44:38 PM »
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Offline loopy

  • Brewer
  • ****
  • Posts: 286
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #86 on: March 11, 2012, 12:55:02 PM »
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Offline bo

  • Senior Brewmaster
  • ******
  • Posts: 1141
    • View Profile
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #87 on: March 11, 2012, 01:12:58 PM »
I'm nominating the Red Riding Hood joke for thread best. That is hilarious. :D

Offline ckpash88

  • Brewer
  • ****
  • Posts: 299
    • View Profile
AHA joke thread
« Reply #88 on: March 11, 2012, 02:23:35 PM »
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the Universe

Offline majorvices

  • Global Moderator
  • I must live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 7880
  • Polka. If its too loud you're too young.
    • View Profile
    • Yellowhammer Brewing Company
Re: AHA joke thread
« Reply #89 on: March 11, 2012, 02:31:31 PM »
What does dale earnhardt and pink floyd have in common?

There last hit was the wall


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

damn! That's funny, and just plain wrong!  ;D
Keith Y.

Vote Jonathan Fuller for Governing Committee!