[mikeypedersen]

I thought I heard the rule of thumb thing was an old english law that said a man couldn't beat his wife with a stick wider than his thumb. 

[dean]

I've read that one too... someone explained it but I don't remember what they said.  I think it was a law, back then women were treated like a higher form of livestock or belongings.  I think they also believed the moon was made of cheese back then too?  Unimaginable...

[tom]

My Grandpa used to say "I taught you everything I know and you still don't know nothing!" ?

[speed]

he's so skinny he could take a shower in a gunbarrel

[majorvices]

Funner than slingin' chittlins.

Sharp as the blunt side of an axe.

Dummer than a box full of hammers.

Bright as a 2 watt bulb.

Queer as a 3 dollar bill.

[redbeerman]

Ain't got the sense God gave a hoe handle.

[mtbrewer]

There are two rules in life a man should never bend. Never whittle towards yourself, or pee against the wind.

He's about as smart as a post.

[mikeypedersen]

One of my college buddies had his grandfather come out to visit. I forget what we were doing, but I remember him saying "You boys been dipped in dumb"? Been saying that ever since.

I also like the saying sharp as a bowling ball.

[SwashBuckling Drunk]

My Father-in-Law is a wise man of few words. Some of my favorites:

When his kids would leave the house, he always said "don't do anything dumb"

"The more friends ya got, the more trouble ya got"

When describing my wife's older sister, who's had a few brief marriages "she just meets a guy and marries him"

He kills me

[akr71]

Don't push on a rope.

Sh!t flows downhill.

and advice for DIY plumbers - don't lick your fingers!

[MrNate]

Two more I heard a lot growing up:

Well, s*** fire and save matches!
Yeah, and if my grandma had balls she'd be my grandpa.

[mtbrewer]

She fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way

only users lose drugs

[tubercle]

Sometimes it's easier to plow around the stump

Shakin' like a dog $hitin' persimmon seeds

[hamiltont]

Well, that went over like a fart in church...

Confucius say man who fart in church sit in own pew... 

[mikeypedersen]

I can smell a lie like a fart in car.....