I am impressed that you have gone this long and are still brewing. Good for you and one day you will look back and have a story to tell.
The one thing that I keep hearing is you are rinsing after cleaning. On your next brew day soak EVERYTHING that comes in contact with the wort after the boil in the Star San. At least two minutes. DO NOT RINSE ANYTHING after the soak. Just put it down on a towel that has been soaked Star San and wrung out. Let the soaked fermentor drip onto the towel upside down. Don't fear if there is any foam left over from the soak. It will not hurt the wort.
Wipe down any surface that you will be working on with the Star San. You joke about taking a shower in it, but I think that is extreme measures at this point. Not yet anyway
Not knowing what all is in and around your "brewhouse" be sure that there is no air movement during transfer of the wort. If it is windy outside when you do your next batch you may want to postpone until it is calm.
You have others that are brewing near you. No matter what happens on the next batch go through the full process of letting it ferment for at least two weeks (or three) then bottle it. After it has had two weeks to condition, share with your brewing friends and ask them what they think. Or what they taste that may be wrong. You may find that it isn't what you think it is or at least you may find someone who loves it and it will not all be a waste. And you will have a new best friend.
Good luck on hope that you get a drinkable batch.