The so-called "spiciness" of rye must be under my threshold then as well, AND under my friends' thresholds. I have used 40% rye malt in an American rye ale and while I did get the motor oil and huge creamy head (there's nothing else on earth like it), I got no spiciness -- just breadiness. Very pleasant, and worth making again sometime. But not spicy in any way, except maybe from the Hallertauer hops.
Yeah, that's right -- I'm the jerk who thinks everyone else's perceptions are wrong. But it's not entirely your fault. You must all be looking so hard for pumpernickel and caraway seeds that you can imagine that it is there. I don't know........