Author Topic: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes  (Read 2374 times)

Offline bluesman

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #30 on: September 04, 2010, 07:47:15 PM »
Chuck Norris turns water into beer!   :P
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Offline hambone

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #31 on: September 07, 2010, 10:28:01 AM »
Chuck Norris was killed by Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon. No Joke :P

Offline aubeertine31

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #32 on: September 07, 2010, 11:19:21 AM »
The Bible's original title was "Chuck Norris and Friends"

When Chuck Norris dives into the water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
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Offline IHBHS

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #33 on: September 07, 2010, 11:51:18 AM »
chuck norris doesn't do push up's he pushes down the world.
chuck norris' tears can cure anything but chuck norris doesn't cry
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Offline Me

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #34 on: September 07, 2010, 11:54:59 AM »
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy-
BF

Offline capozzoli

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #35 on: September 07, 2010, 02:16:17 PM »
Chuck Norris was killed by Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon. No Joke :P

But first Bruce lee grabs and pulls off a fistful of Chucks chest hair. Man, I love that scene.

Chuck Norris doesnt use his walker to walk, his walker uses him.

Chuck Norris doesnt need Depends, he just goes in his pants cause no one has the balls to say anything about it. 

Im so sorry for that.
Beer, its whats for dinner.

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Offline weazletoe

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #36 on: September 07, 2010, 03:08:58 PM »

Chuck Norris doesnt need Depends, he just goes in his pants cause no one has the balls to say anything about it. 

Im so sorry for that.


LMAO!!!
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Offline capozzoli

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #37 on: September 07, 2010, 05:38:28 PM »
I made those up if you didnt guess. I heard a good one today but I think I shouldnt post it.
Beer, its whats for dinner.

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Offline Thirsty_Monk

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #38 on: September 07, 2010, 07:16:40 PM »
Since you guys do not stop, here is first 99 of them:

chuck1 = \"Brokeback Mountain\" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

chuck2 = \"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor\" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

chuck3 = \"Sweating bullets\" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

chuck4 = 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

chuck5 = 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

chuck6 = 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

chuck7 = 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

chuck8 = A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

chuck9 = A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

chuck10 = A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

chuck11 = A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is \"Charles\". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

chuck12 = A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

chuck13 = A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying \"Betcha can't eat just one!\" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

chuck14 = A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

chuck15 = A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

chuck16 = A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

chuck17 = According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

chuck18 = According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

chuck19 = According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American \"Trail of Tears\" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

chuck20 = After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

chuck21 = After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said \"of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?\"

chuck22 = Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

chuck23 = All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

chuck24 = Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

chuck25 = An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

chuck26 = Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

chuck27 = Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined \"victim\" as \"one who has encountered Chuck Norris\"

chuck28 = As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

chuck29 = As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

chuck30 = As President Roosevelt said: \"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.\"

chuck31 = Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

chuck32 = Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

chuck33 = Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

chuck34 = Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

chuck35 = Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

chuck36 = Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

chuck37 = Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

chuck38 = Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

chuck39 = Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

chuck40 = Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

chuck41 = Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

chuck42 = Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

chuck43 = Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

chuck44 = Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

chuck45 = Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

chuck46 = Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

chuck47 = Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell \"What The Hell was That?\"

chuck48 = Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

chuck49 = Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

chuck50 = Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

chuck51 = Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

chuck52 = Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

chuck53 = Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

chuck54 = Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

chuck55 = Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

chuck56 = Chuck Norris can taste lies.

chuck57 = Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

chuck58 = Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

chuck59 = Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

chuck60 = Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

chuck61 = Chuck Norris can't finish a \"color by numbers\" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

chuck62 = Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

chuck63 = Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

chuck64 = Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

chuck65 = Chuck Norris describes human beings as \"a sociable holder for blood and guts\".

chuck66 = Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

chuck67 = Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

chuck68 = Chuck Norris did not \"lose\" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

chuck69 = Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

chuck70 = Chuck Norris does not \"style\" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

chuck71 = Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

chuck72 = Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

chuck73 = Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

chuck74 = Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

chuck75 = Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

chuck76 = Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

chuck77 = Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

chuck78 = Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

chuck79 = Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

chuck80 = Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

chuck81 = Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

chuck82 = Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

chuck83 = Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

chuck84 = Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

chuck85 = Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

chuck86 = Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

chuck87 = Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

chuck88 = Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

chuck89 = Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

chuck90 = Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

chuck91 = Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

chuck92 = Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

chuck93 = Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

chuck94 = Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

chuck95 = Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

chuck96 = Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

chuck97 = Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

chuck98 = Chuck Norris doesn't say \"who's your daddy\ because he knows the answer.

chuck99 = Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

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Offline glitterbug

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Re: Give us your Chuck Norris jokes
« Reply #39 on: September 09, 2010, 09:49:50 AM »
The internet has moved on from Chuck Norris (the guy is a quack in real life). Our new hero is Dolph Lundgren http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2010/08/26/dolph-lundgren-modern-renaissance-man/
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