[glastctbrew]

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

I literally lol'd and my coworker in the next office asked what's so funny?  This one surpassed the muffin one in my book.

[akr71]

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.


The sailor/seagull was my fav so far

[morticaixavier]

Muffin one was excellent indeed. 

a few more:

"I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out"

"I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself... only taller"

and finally;

"I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?"

Those sound like Steven Wright.
He was going to make wine, only pre-age it by using raisins.
He lived on a one way dead end street, but doesn't know how he got there.
He had to put tape on all the mirrors in his house so he wouldn't accidentally crash through into another dimension.

Yup. I think the longest bit I ever heard him do was;

The other day I was going home and before I realized what I was doing I stuck my car key in the door lock. So I started  it up and started driving down the street. A little while later a cop pulled me over and said "where do you live". I looked at him and said "right here".

[weazletoe]

If Lama spelled with one "L" is a great spiritual leader, and Llama spelled with two "L's" is a furry pack mammal, what is a three ell lama?


   A really big a$$ fire!

[Slowbrew]

With more input from my kids...

Before you go into the bathroom you're an American.
When you come back out of the bathroom you're an American.

What are you while you're in the bathroom?

You're a peeing.

 

Paul

[Slowbrew]

For all the bad jokes you can stand you should listen to the Prairie Home Companion Annual Joke Show (2011):

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/www_publicradio/tools/media_player/popup.php?name=phc/2011/01/22/phc_20110122_64

Paul

[jaybeerman]

many thanks for the fantastic thread.  thoroughly enjoyed the "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"  along with the muffin joke...speaking of which

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcm7uJ74XFI

[tonyp]

With more input from my kids...

Before you go into the bathroom you're an American.
When you come back out of the bathroom you're an American.

What are you while you're in the bathroom?

You're a peeing.

 

Paul

on your way to the bathroom, when you really have to go, you're russian

[tonyp]

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

[tonyp]

My girlfriend's* daughter is named Alice. I've been trying to teach her to say "To the moon!" when I say, "One of these days, Alice!"




* Yeah, that happened... Don't judge me.

thought you might appreciate this (i'm a huge honeymooners fan)

[morticaixavier]

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

He didn't like her apartment so he knocker her flat

[punatic]

A father tucks his young son into bed, kisses him on the forehead, turns out the light and says goodnight.

Sitting watching a ballgame on TV in the living room the father hears from the bedroom, "Daddy can I have a glass of water?"
"No, if you drink water now you'll wet the bed tonight.  Go to sleep now son."

A few minutes later, "Daddy, may I please have a glass of water?'
"No you may not, now go to sleep!"

A few minutes later, "Daddy may I pleeease have a glass of water?"
"No!  And if I hear another word out of you tonight you're gonna get a spanking!"

A few minutes later, "Daddy, when you come in here to give me a spanking would you bring me a glass of water?"

[MrNate]

My girlfriend's* daughter is named Alice. I've been trying to teach her to say "To the moon!" when I say, "One of these days, Alice!"




* Yeah, that happened... Don't judge me.

thought you might appreciate this (i'm a huge honeymooners fan)

Ha! Awesome! That should've been the plot of Apollo 18 

[linenoiz]

Two men walk into a bar; the third one ducked.


An old grizzled pirate walks into a bar. Sticking out of his pants is a pirate ship's helm. The bartender says "Hey, you got a helm sticking out of your pants!" The pirate responds "Yarr, it's driving me nuts."

[jaybeerman]

I always thought this one was funny.  cheers, j