Author Topic: Endlessly Amusing  (Read 5734 times)

Offline rabid_dingo

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #60 on: August 20, 2011, 11:23:05 PM »
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the F...ing putt!!!"
Ruben * Colorado :)

Offline Slowbrew

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #61 on: August 22, 2011, 09:22:32 AM »
What do you call a broken arm on an Italian?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A speech impediment.

I was told this by an Italian guy last evening.

Paul
Where the heck are we going?  And what's with this hand basket?

Offline ryang

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #62 on: August 22, 2011, 12:59:33 PM »
^^ Good one.


Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead".

Offline morticaixavier

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #63 on: August 22, 2011, 01:05:45 PM »
Knock Knock

Who's there?

interupting cow

Inter....

MOOOO
"Creativity is the residue of wasted time"
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Offline tubercle

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #64 on: August 22, 2011, 03:16:34 PM »
What's an Irish 7 course meal?


 A 'tater and a sixpack.
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Offline morticaixavier

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #65 on: August 22, 2011, 03:24:11 PM »
A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, "Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo." "How do you know I'm not?" asks the other penguin.
"Creativity is the residue of wasted time"
-A Einstein

Offline woadwarrior

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #66 on: August 22, 2011, 03:32:47 PM »
What's an Irish 7 course meal?


 A 'tater and a sixpack.

And for dessert, a wee dram o whiskey.  :)

Offline denny

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #67 on: August 23, 2011, 08:26:38 AM »
A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, "Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo." "How do you know I'm not?" asks the other penguin.

Garrison Keillor's favorite joke!
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Offline morticaixavier

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #68 on: August 23, 2011, 09:24:17 AM »
A penguin bumps into another penguin and says, "Oh, for a minute I thought you were wearing a tuxedo." "How do you know I'm not?" asks the other penguin.

Garrison Keillor's favorite joke!

yup. also my wife's
"Creativity is the residue of wasted time"
-A Einstein

Offline punatic

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #69 on: August 23, 2011, 09:57:40 AM »
The two muffins sitting in an oven joke is my favorite so far.
There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.


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Offline weithman5

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #70 on: August 23, 2011, 10:14:05 AM »
The two muffins sitting in an oven joke is my favorite so far.

agreed. 
Don AHA member

Offline morticaixavier

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #71 on: August 23, 2011, 10:42:47 AM »
Muffin one was excellent indeed. 

a few more:

"I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out"

"I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself... only taller"

and finally;

"I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?"

"Creativity is the residue of wasted time"
-A Einstein

Offline jeffy

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #72 on: August 23, 2011, 11:18:27 AM »
Muffin one was excellent indeed. 

a few more:

"I was walking down the street the other day when the prescription on my glasses ran out"

"I am going to get a tattoo over my whole body of myself... only taller"

and finally;

"I have an huge shell collection. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you have seen it?"



Those sound like Steven Wright.
He was going to make wine, only pre-age it by using raisins.
He lived on a one way dead end street, but doesn't know how he got there.
He had to put tape on all the mirrors in his house so he wouldn't accidentally crash through into another dimension.
Jeff Gladish, Tampa (989.3, 175.1 Apparent Rennarian)
Homebrewing since 1990
AHA member since 1991, now a lifetime member
BJCP judge since 1995

Offline punatic

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #73 on: August 23, 2011, 11:34:34 AM »
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way.


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Offline Slowbrew

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Re: Endlessly Amusing
« Reply #74 on: August 23, 2011, 11:40:12 AM »
One of my oldest daughter's favorite jokes.

What do you call a soprano who can't read music?

An alto.

----------

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  They just declare darkness a standard.


Paul
Where the heck are we going?  And what's with this hand basket?