Author Topic: A Christmas Story  (Read 2482 times)

Offline denny

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A Christmas Story
« on: December 14, 2010, 12:27:15 PM »

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs.Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of  little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


Not a lot of people know this.
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Offline hokerer

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2010, 12:32:59 PM »
Very funny. That one really sleighs me :)
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Offline weazletoe

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2010, 01:54:14 PM »
Wow! To bad jokes in one thread!!! This has to be some kind of record!!  ;D
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Offline majorvices

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2010, 03:18:23 PM »
Somebody get Denny a new joke book for Christmas.  :P
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Offline tubercle

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2010, 03:21:13 PM »
Thought it funny

In a weird sort of way
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Offline denny

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2010, 03:28:17 PM »
Somebody get Denny a new joke book for Christmas.  :P

Yeah, it's weak, but hey, it gets ya in the Christmas mood!
Life begins at 60.....1.060, that is!

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Offline Mikey

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2010, 04:40:21 PM »
I think it's inappropriate for this site. :)

Offline majorvices

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2010, 08:42:19 PM »
I think it's inappropriate for this site. :)


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Offline euge

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #8 on: December 14, 2010, 11:11:40 PM »
Sounds like a typical day at work.  ::)

I liked it Denny.
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. -Richard P. Feynman

Online Kaiser

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2010, 05:37:06 AM »
I thought it was funny.

Kai

Offline phillamb168

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2010, 06:59:17 AM »
Reported to moderator.

...for being AWESOME!

:-) Got any more where that came from?
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Offline bluesman

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2010, 07:41:33 AM »
Ron Price

Offline majorvices

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2010, 07:42:24 AM »
I thought it was funny.

Kai

Me too. About 10 years ago when I first heard it.  ;)
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Offline bluesman

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2010, 07:44:58 AM »
I thought it was funny.

Kai

Me too. About 10 years ago when I first heard it.  ;)

I guess you don't fit into the "alot of people" category.  :P
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Offline tschmidlin

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Re: A Christmas Story
« Reply #14 on: December 15, 2010, 12:54:27 PM »
Physics of Santa Claus

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Tom Schmidlin